thinspiration:







Thursday, December 23, 2010

I AM BACK.

i can't even tell you guys. i haven't been on this blog in 6 months, and i have gained 20 pounds. i'm so miserable that i'm back here. i need to get back into where i used to be. i'm now addicted to bingeing, not bingeing and purging. not restricting. it is a total nightmare to say the least.
but i'm back, and hoping to beat the scale.

i missed everyone on this blog so much.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

new blog.

new blog.
new blog.
new blog.
new blog.
new blog.
new blog.
new blog.
new blog.
new blog.




























































































































NEW videoblog on tumblr!

hey girls, my lovely little anorexics. just letting y'all know that I've moved accounts over to Tumbler for a vlog account.
recovery isn't going well (actually it's gone down the SHITTER) and so I'm trying to find new and creative ways to get me back on track.
i'd LOVE it if you checked out my videos.

the URL is satisfactionisntanumber.tumblr.com
or you can just click here and there it is.

thank you all. i have missed you soo much. PLEASE join me on tumblr!

xx
Sasha
(p.s. on my VLOG i'm using my real name!! congrats on finding out who i really am :P)

Saturday, July 17, 2010

done with blogging.

hello you lovely girls. i'm sorry to say i am going to be leaving you for some amount of time. how long i don't know, but i decided that i need to reprocess my life, try to focus on what is best for me, and decide where to go from here.

i feel like recovery is the best thing possible at this point and i'm going to give it a shot, 100%. i need to be okay with having a few curves here and there. i need to taste life at its fullest. i need this for myself.
i'm still going to be on my email though. it's gauntfuture@hotmail.com if you don't have it already. i'd love to stay in touch with ALL of you so please please drop an email in from time to time telling me how you all are doing!

i'm sorry for being so unexpected about this. my blog won't be deleted- it will only be... well, not updated!

i really do love every single one of you, PLEEEASE email me!

xx
Sasha

Monday, July 12, 2010

the bitch is back!

:) hello everyone! oh how I've missed you! New York was absolutely AMAZING and the college program was stellar - i have returned a million times more enabled for piano than ever before and a new passion has been revived in my heart for it!!

good and bad news!

the good news: i lost 3 pounds when i was there!
the bad news: i gained it back!

yep. i went from sexy to flabby in about 3 days. i'm not quite sure what happened. i think food just begann to overwhelm me at the camp and i jsut started eating again.

the good thing though is i know i can get back down to that little itty bitty girl that i was months ago, i proved it to myself!

a slightly sad deal (okay, to me it's ridiculously tragic and depressing...) is that i have about.... two weeks left to spend with my amazing amazing boyfriend before he goes to kansas.

gulp excuse me?!

god i've been a mental wreck! when i came back from new york last night the first thing i did is go see him. and i spent all morning with him today, as he was packing to leave me till friday!! is this all bad luck or what?
we spent a good deal of our past 24 hours passionately making out because we missed each other so much (sorry...tmi?? i missed him!! he's like the love of my life!)

anyway...blogland is slightly overwhelming me at the moment simply because i haven't logged on in so long! but i'm back and i'll be easing back into reading all your lovely posts and commenting and supporting each and every one of you!

i'm getting off to make dinner (cough, fail, cough) and then go to my "lovely job" (gag).

when my boyfriend comes back friday, and he sees my sexy body in that itty bitty teeny weeny yellow polkadot bikini, he's going to go crazy.


xx
Sasha

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

110.6!

Hooray! I am 110.6 pounds before the month ends! Lucky lucky me. This puts my BMI at about 20.2.

I can almost tast 19! My goal when I'm up in New York is this:

+ track intake every single day!
+ do eat 3 meals, only let them be 200 to 250 calories each (music...energy. bleck!)
+ exercise at least 30 minutes every day. there is hiking, AND a gym there so I'll have plenty of opportunities
+ bring a victoria's secret mag with me for thinspo

Of course, there will be no way to measure my progress over there, except for clothes fitting and the mirror (and we all know that EVERY mirror is like a warped thing...you never ever see it how it really is, it's like a fun house at the circus most times).
So I'm just going to really really really have to hope that this plan will work out for me. I'm way nervous guys!

Yesterday my intake was:
B: 1 glass juice (130) =130
L: 1 apple (110), tuna (125) = 235
D: 3 egg whites (45), lettuce (15), salsa (50), apple (110) = 220
S: carrots (80) = 80

so that is a grand total of 665 calories i do believe. not bad at all!
no wonder i lost a whole pound ;)

Today my intake has been just breakfast, at oatmeal and an apple (total: 260).
I'm hoping my lunch will just be another apple. I'm going out to dinner with my grandma tonight (gulp...) and I'm ordering a salad most likely. Then onto the plane! Ack! So excited! I'll not eat until I get to NY, which will be for dinner. pray that I lose a lot these next 11 days guys, I'm seeing the boyfriend on July 12 and wanna be smokin hot when I come back!! :)

I love you all, and I'll see you around the 11th or 12th!
Farewell, goodbye, achtung (isn't that goodbye?), Arrivederci, Aloha, Sionara, and here is some happiness for you <3

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

one more post before my "farewell letter :)

Hello you beautiful followers of mine. I love every single one of you and every time i see you comment my posts it just brightens up my darker days (figuratively of course...in california the sun really is always shining, or at least in my city, so that's one stereotype that's actually true).

i'm running about packing like a fiend, making lists and buying bug spray (stupid mosquitos are going to be where I am), and not eating. I've packed 10 South Beach Living fiber/protein bars (the fiber bars are 110 calories, protein ones 140) in case my blood sugar gets too low from severe restricting in new york. so don't worry ladies, I'm going to be safe when i'm all alone and on my own!

I have about 6 hours of piano to practice today. yippee! I'm actually quite excited about perfecting my pieces... only 2 are memorized so far (i have 5 songs) and only 1 is recital ready! Yikes! I'm going to have to work my little ass off when I get there to make them all perfect!

I had a bit of a binge yesterday, my total calorie count for the day was probably about 1400. I did exercise about 600 calories OFF last night though. Still woke up at 112.0 though :( so I gained a bit. but nothing that a mini 12 hr. fast can't fix! (Piano requires a lot of energy, especially the pieces I'm playing, so I can't go too long without food or else I'll binge because I'll be so frustrated with my low blood sugar. that's what happened yesterday, i was practicing with no food in my stomach and got so hungry i just ate and ate and ate... that will NOT happen today!! I'm well prepared to keep my sugar levels high.)

I will post one more time tomorrow morning, to say I love you all and goodbye, and then it's off to the Eastern US to take college level music courses for 10 days!
If you all are interested in which piano songs I'm learning, there is a page dedicated to it on the right hand side of this blog, under the "links to various blogpages." in purple, right under "formspring.me". (which you all should do, even if you don't have an account!)
the link says "music I'm learning". and there are performance-level youtube videos of others playing the pieces i'm learning. I hope you all enjoy and appreciate classical music. It is honestly the essence of my existance, and the only reason I eat at all!

Much love to you all,

xx
Sasha

Monday, June 28, 2010

update!!

hi! this is going to be a very fast update because i'm sooo busy right now. this weekend i went out of town and, well, i returned 111.6 pounds! and this is with food in my stomach (i had to break my fast because of my grandma...bleck).
so i am a pretty happy camper about that.
and my health seems to have picked back up. im going to the doctor around july 12 for the potential internal bleeding. (i'm going to new york...no way will i pass up new york because i'm sick!!).
i would love to talk more and update you all and comment your posts, but i have so much to do before i leave, like pack, do laundry, practice a million hours of piano, the list goes on.
anyway, i love you all,and i'll return as soon as possible!

xxxx
Sasha

Friday, June 25, 2010

Pain and fear.

Last night, I purged. I purged dark brown. I'm fairly convinced it was blood, because when you purge blood it's not always red.
I've been having severe waves of nausea rolling over me for the past two days, and every time I stand I feel faint and dizzy. I've been experiencing the dizziness ever since Monday. I thought it was just from the fast, but I don't think it is. I have a moderate pain in my upper left abdomen that's been going on and off since monday.

Pretty much, I'm experiencing everything you experience whenever you have an ulcer. Purging blood means that it's also a BLEEDING ulcer.

bleeding ulcers can be fatal if you don't treat them. sadly enough, there's no way for me to get it treated until about July 12. I'm pretty fucking terrified that I'm going to die.

I can't believe I've let myself get so hurt. It's so wrong. So carnal. whyohwhydidieverstartpurging?
I was actually praying for god to extend my life. PRAYING. I haven't truly prayed in literally months.

in better news: i've lost about a pound of fat this week from fasting. yay! and my appetite has severely decreased too, I'm just not hungry anymore! i've had 250 calories today so far and that made me soooo full! So this is a good thing. Hopefully i'll have a 5 pounds-of-fat weight loss by next sunday.
xx

Sasha

Thursday, June 24, 2010

frustrated rant on wanting eating disorders.

why do girls want eating disorders? why the hell do girls come to us like we're from a fairytale land, and tell us that they want to be thin, and how do you purge, and how did you get that skinny body because oh-i'm-just-so-fat-and-i-want-to-like-myself.

NEWSFLASH: eating disorders will never help you like yourself. you come on these blogs and look at our posts, and look at it as if we're a fiction novel, and you think that maybe (just like in those epic fantasy tales) you'll find something positive and adventurous in our problems. you want to take the journey, because you crave excitement.

you're immature.
you're offensive.
you're a wannarexic that thinks skinny will make you cooler, hipper, happier.

you're wrong and ignorant and you don't know what you're talking about.

you'll see. one day you'll be so weak you won't be able to walk down the stairs. one day, you'll sit down in the bathtub and cry because the bones on your butt are sticking out and bruised on the hard floor. one day you'll be so cold that ten blankets won't warm you up on a 78 degree day.

one day you'll realize what eating disorders are truly like. one day you'll actually notice us suffer, wail, sniffling in our own fantasy lands just wanting to get out and live and be normal and safe and happy and fall in love.
in the eating disorder fantasy land, there are no prince charmings.
in the eating disorder fantasy land, there are no little princesses. they've all locked themselves up in their bedrooms too weak to get out of bed. no, that's not a romantic adventure.that's reality, and it hurts.
and i'm tired of seeing all this fake eating disorder shit online.
get over yourselves girls. and if ANYONE asks me for weight loss advice one more time, I'm going to freak out even harder.
this is an ugly, ugly world, and I'm offended that any normal human being would want to be here suffering right next to me.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

hungry!

I want to go shopping. I'm starving, literally, but it's nothing that a cup of green tea with honey and lemon can't fix. When I hit 108 pounds again, I'm going to American Apparel and buying ALL these clothes that you see right here at the bottom of this post, because all of them are adorable!

So here is some fashion inspiration (and being thinspiration at the same time I must say!)

Seeing the clothes I'm going to buy takes the irritability from my fast away. I love it.
I'm 112.6 pounds right now. I want to be in the 111's tomorrow morning. Wish me luck, I hope I get there!

love you all.
xx
Sasha










113.2

Yes ladies, I'm almost in the 112 pound range. yay me! No food has touched my lips since Sunday night. The funny thing is, I don't feel like I'm starving. I'm not hungry at all. There's a comfortable numbness around my abdomen, where I feel like i got shot with anesthetics. It's really very nice.
I'm hoping my body goes into ketosis today! Even though I had that smoothie, I think it could still do it.
That really cute baseball player is sitting in my living room right now... Aaaaahh what a cutie!
;) Naughty me... I can't say stuff like that, or think it!

I made myself an english muffin so my sister thinks I ate, it's just sitting here. And I have absolutely no desire to touch it. I am loving the smell, however. Anyone else do this out there? Just sit and smell food but not eat it?
No? Okay....

Last night the boyfriend was way, way tired. I got to his house around 9:40 and at about 10:50 he just got into bed. I laid next to him and tickled his back for about 20 minutes, until he fell asleep, and then I kissed him goodbye and left. There was something so sweet about it. I can't really describe what last night was like for me. The complete innocence with out relating to each other and the fact that he asked me to tickle his back was just so... Alien to me. And I did it, because I love him. I really really love him.

And I was thinking this as his breathing deepened and he got really quiet. Never have I loved anyone like I love you, C.
And then another thought; This is too deep for words.

I left home refreshed and happy. He's so good to me. (I mean sure he's a little aggressive sexually but hes been a VERY good boy the past week or so). I don't want him to leave, but if he does I'm pretty certain we'll have no problems staying together.

All my love girls! xx

Sasha

p.s. A- to answer your question, I might have some free time. Not sure yet though, they have yet to email me their itinerary!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Liquid Fast Day 2 Roundup:

Today didn't go as well as planned :( I had about 600 calories of liquid!! That's way too much.
The thing is, I play classical piano and when you're at my level (advanced, i'm college entry now) it's nearly impossible to play on a low calorie liquid fast. And I'm going to NY in a week for it and have to play really well, as well as possible.
And tonight i had a lesson, and I had absolutly NO strength in my hands to play. So I had like 2 extra glasses of juice.

Ugh, fml.
Hopefully though it doesn't ruin my day. I'm really hoping it doesn't ruin it and I get all fat. 600 calories is just WAY too much.

in other news, after thursday night I won't see The Boyfriend until July 12. I'm really depressed about this. It's because we're both going out of town for different things and he's leaving and then I'm leaving and when he comes back I'll still be gone :/ So I'm pretty depressed about it.

But I'm not going to let it ruin the remaining time I have with him!
After July 12 we'll only have a little less than a month to spend with each other before he moves to Kansas for college. I'm really depressed about this, I really feel insecure about it. I feel like we're going to break up because of it.
And when I come back July 12 at least ten pounds thinner he's going to be so angry :( I don't really know what will happen to us because of it. The thing is, I NEED to lose this weight! If I don't, I don't know how I'll even be able to live with myself. Seriously.

So I'm pretty much at a draw. The next month is going to be so tumultous for me, but at least I'll be moving (not sure if I'll be moving forward or backward. either is better than staying stagnant.)

I'm rereading Wintergirls. I love this book so much.

I'm getting off. I love you all.

xx
Sasha

114.8

I *know* I said I wasn't going to weigh myself, but the temptation was just there. I was 116.0 yesterday. So this is going really well, and I have no plans to stop!

I saw "The Karate Kid" last night, and geez that kid was really ripped. I'm jealous. Yes...I'm jealous of a 12 year old boy, it shouldn't be weird.

It's really boring over here, all I'm doing is not eating and practicing piano to prepare for New York.
I'm so glad my parents are out of town. I'm not going to see them until July 11!! Which means restrict restrict restrict.

If you all don't know, I'm going to New York for music camp from July 1 to July 11! Which means I won't be able to update during that time sadly :( I will miss you all dearly but I'm going to be enjoying my great ability to restrict as much as I want!

Last night, the boyfriend tried to make me eat. I refused! And I have definitely been more loving to him. Today I'm going to be even better, and this fast is really saving our relationship, I'm not kidding!

I have to go to therapy today. :/ I'm not really in the mood, I don't have the emotional energy. Oh well though. in the long run it's better for me!

In other news, my insurance policy denied me access to my nutritionist for free, we have to pay for it in full >.< We're all pretty irritated with them.

So yeah, way boring post. sorry guys!

much love to you
xx
Sasha

Monday, June 21, 2010

Liquid fast, Day 1:

Going pretty strong! I had a glass of 100% Natural cranberry juice for breakfast and am almost a whole litre of water down. Only 1 hunger pang so far, which is good considering I ate like a pig on Saturday.

My loving relationships project deal is going pretty well too. I had "breakfast" with my best friend and was really sweet to my nutritionist today. And I'm making extra time for my boyfriend today, even though I'll be busy way late in the night tonight because of it.



I'm going to weigh myself today (after using the restroom a couple times) and I'll update my weight. THEN, no weighing until Friday, or 5 days into the fast! I can't wat to see how much weight I'll have lost by then.



Off to practice piano. I promise to comment on your posts tonight sometime.



xx

Sasha

Sunday, June 20, 2010

whoops....

huge binge last night. i mean BIG. i really thought i was going to throw up just because of the pressure from it in my stomach. but i did NOT purge. nor have I weighed myself this morning. i'm probably at the moment about 116 pounds.

ew.

I'm so frustrated with myself. I was feeling back to my old ways, i really had my old "anorexic" mindset back and i miss it. I hate the "bulimic" mindset so much! It's the anorexic one that helps me lose weight and gives me something to control.

I don't want to have to see that number on the scale. So i haven't. I'm not weighing myself until about Friday probably, halfway through the fast.

my fast starts tomorrow! I'm way excited because...well i'll finally feel like i have something MOTIVATING me. 10 days withot eating? i CAN do this. i've done it before. it'll be a juice fast.

every morning i'll have a glass of 100% cranberry juice. for lunch I'll have a glass of fat free milk.
i'll get protein and sugar to keep me going every day. and i have no parents to stop me because they're leaving on a cruise for 10 days. :)
July 1 I'm going on a trip to Ithaca, NY, for music camp. Way excited!! I'll have to eat then though....heavily restrict more like :) I can't wait to go into ketosis and burn all this fat off!

happy fathers day! I bakes my dad cookies. And ate way too much of the batter when i was making them.
x.O
off to comment all your posts! much love,

sasha
xx

Saturday, June 19, 2010

busy! today. (113.6!)


Top of the morning to you all! Here i am with my lovely cup of joe and a happy little smile on my face. Today will be a good day. I AM 113.6 POUNDS. Yes ladies, yes gentlemen, if you check my weight calendar (look to the right of this post, somewhere it's over there!!) you will see this is a gand improvement!
Almost 2 pounds this week. She's gaining speed everyone, losing weight faster and faster! Next week will be great because hopefully I'll lost about 5 pounds on the fast (it will prob be more like 3 or 4, knowing my stinky metabolism).

Sorry I'm not replying to emails or comments this morning, as in 30 minutes I have to leave to compose for hours on end (bleck) and then practice piano for MORE hours (myeh). Music is taking over my LIFE! And to think I'm not even an undergrad for 2 more months. Hmph.

Last night went pretty well with the boyfriend. He apologized for being so horny all the time. Hah. So I think he's starting to get it!
And also, I'm going to have no parents for 20 days after tomorrow night... Party! Yes? YES.

I'm no longer abusing substances though. So honestly.... None of THAT stuff will be happening.

I'll reply to comments and emails later... I'm very busy but I still had to post an update for you lovely ladies.

Ciao!

xx
Sasha

Friday, June 18, 2010

today, didn't fast!

But I've kept the intake under 800. will be posting intake on the page for intake/outtake.

Went to the grocery store. Bough:
Select harvest veggie soup (50 cals per cup)
pickles! (8 cals per pickle)
Progresso light santa fe chicken soup (80 cals per cup)
Light english muffins (100 per muffin)
Bananas (100 per banana)
hot dog buns (for the man who did the woman that bore me)
mozzarella cheese (for the woman who replaced the woman that bore me)
fasting juice! 100% veggie/fruit blend (cranberry being the first ingredient, which is good cause it's a natural diuretic) and no sugar added. I'll be having a cup of that every morning and a glass of nonfat soymilk for lunch every day.
yay!


and....i think that was all i bought? everything (almost) was low fat or fat free. there was an obese woman behind me, and it felt really weird. i almost was embarrassed that i didn't have junk food.

Tonight i'm going to the movies with the boyfriend. Should be fun! Everything i ate today was fat free, low carb, and high in protein. Hopefully I'll still have lost weight! Very very nervous about it.
Anyway, the boyfriend hasn't been giving me any trouble :) yay! But the food in my kitchen has. Grrrr sometimes i just want to eat everything! But then i look in the mirror and i'm like wow 0.0 got some work to do on that flabby tummy over there, hehe!

Really excited for monday, when i start the fast, i can't wait!

xx
Sasha

:)

today will be a good day food wise!! I'm not eating ANYTHING today and I have a few litres of water right beside me. cold, thanks.
screw moderation, screw trying to be normal, and screw food! honestly none of it is worth anything to me anymore.
it's friday. I'm 115.0 pounds. I need to be down a couple by sunday. this means NO FOOD. none! and i'm hoping to lose 7 by next friday (after sunday i'm fasting with hungry for change...so excited).
i think....i think anorexia might be coming back! and i think bulimia is going away!
....one can only hope. oh i hope.

today i have to practice piano for 7 hours, i should have started already but i'm a lazy girl and i'm more content to just lay in bed for a bit longer.

i have no lost hope in losing weight. i am going to do this. i refuse to eat. :={D and yes that is a moustache on my smiley face because i'm in that sort of mood!

much love

xx
sasha

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Replies to comments/Update!


1. Hollow - God that's scary! my boyfriend actually found out that i know what i weigh due to a slip-up on my part but he thinks i weighed at the gym. and yeah, i'm absolutely addicted to my scale now that i have one again... i NEED to weigh like every day, it's horrible! (but feels so good too...)

2. Charlie- the fast went BEAUTIFULLY, thank you! :) I had a salad with black beluga lentils for dinner (those things are insane. 1/4 cup is about 200 calories which is scary, but their fiber and protein content is through the roof. 1/4 cup will fill me up for HOURS.) xx i was so close to a binge though tonight! (i'll elaborate later in the post)

3. Amy - Thanks for the loving words :) don't you hate what your brain tells you sometimes? and yes, i'm always "skinniest" in the morning... love it!!

So yes, about that near-binge. Probably the craziest thing i've EVER done in my life. It was about 6 and i was at work about a half hour early and they have vending machines.
I think everyone knows where this is going. VENDING. MACHINES.


and i had a dollar in my pocket, and yes i was very slightly rather bored. honestly, who wants to sit at work doing nothing for a half hour?
so i sidled over to the vending machine... what can i get for a dollar.. hmmm.
my brain's WHIRLING. there's pop-tarts. but then vanilla covered pretzels. i think i'll get pop tarts.

but WAIT! candy bars for 85 cents? oooh this is too good to be true.

and...oh my... 50 cents for a candy mint? oh wow, i'm drooling.

I scramble in my pockets. what do i have? i have a dollar and 40 cents. Do the math.

85+50=1.35. i had enough.

and i start putting the change in the vending machine.

and then it hits me.


i can buy a diet coke for this much...and i'm buying LARD. i'm buying LARD on my THIGHS.

i ran. oh god i ran like the WIND. and went to mcdonalds and bought a large diet for 1.08.
my body was shaking, i was actually pretty freaked out about the whole incident.

wow. close one. i avoided a binge. pheeeeeww.
i know i said i wouldn't weigh myself but i did this morning, at 114.8. post binge that is REALLY good.
and tonight i'm 115.6. which means tomorrow i'll hopefully be at 114.2 (you know, lose weight overnight and all).
so that was my night... woohoo.
love you all so much, off to comment your posts!
xx

Sasha

fasting todayyy!

drinking as much water as humanly possible, and only dinner (soup!) if i can help it! I'm so excited for the hungry for change fast, you don't understand!
yesterday was a step back, but i know for a fact that come monday i WILL not binge, or even eat, because i'll be so motivated by the fact that i'm doing this for a cause, not just my own selfish intent.

i had a dream last night that my mom found my scale. talk about a horrifying set of events.
today i'm getting drinks with my best friend (a.k.a soft drinks ;D) and then probably 4 hours of piano. and about 3 hours of composing.

ugh,fml. i'm so tired.

lol.

i'll update later.
i can't weigh today but oh how i want to...


xx
sasha

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

quick update on today:

1. i binged and purged today dang it! but it could have been much much worse.
2. i woke up at 9:45 with a nutritionist appointment at 10. ever since then i've been horribly behind.
3. i just wrote an entire song in a hurried hour and a half for Alice in Wonderland. Talk about barely making a deadline, as i have to teach it in approximately 20 minutes.
4. weighed myself before nutritionist today at 114.4. hopefully by sunday i'll be at least 112. cross your fingers girls!
5. i told myself i'm not allowed to eat dinner, but i decided this just makes me cranky. so i'm having a frozen 200 calorie dinner, which will bring my calorie count to over 1000 including the binge (i purged, but...idk. i never feel like i get it all out you know?)
6. i did resist a lot of unhealthy food today even though i DID binge.
7. more later tonight maybe. but i have to go!! tootles.

xx
Sasha

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

interesting day...



good restrictive day :) I didn't follow my 390 cal plan but i'm at about 600 or so!




1. orange and yogurt for breakfast, pictured on the right (very little makeup...apologies for the gross face lol) (210 calories)


2. tuna fish for lunch. i wasn't going to eat it but i was just in the kitchen staring at the food for about 15 minutes and my mom noticed and thought iw as going to eat something...so... tuna! (125 calories)


3. dinner was another orange and miso soup (about 290 calories)




total:625 calories. not bad not bad.


having serious problems with my boyfriend. all he wants to do is hook up, i'm so tired of it. i don't even know if he cares about me anymore. horribly enough this just makes me think "if i get back into anorexia we're going to break up!" and i get all excited and start starving and overexercising.

i'm sad and excited at the same time. sad because i love him but excited because physical intimacy terrifies me and he always pushes and pressures. i know he loves me but come on... there should be more to the relationship than messing around, and i feel like my emotions and needs are totally being put on a back burner here.

YES i have tried to tell him "when i say no i mean no!" and of course he stops but then he does it all over again the next day. (i've never felt actually violated by him before fyi, he does love me and he would never rape me or something).



my therapy session went well today...i can't even really remember what we did though because my mind is so consumed with my boyfriend problems :P


going to the gym in about 20 minutes! yay! running at least 3 miles and hopefully biking 6. and i'm hoping i can just elliptical for an hour or so. super excited to burn calories!

my plan has been going well also. i kept telling myself today "you're pretty, don't be ashamed, you're pretty..." and i haven't had the urge to binge! hooray! but i did drink a 32 oz diet coke...the caffeine addiction might be kinda hard to come off of :)


nutritionist tomorrow...ugh weighing :( i'll weigh tomorrow and let yall know what it is! (i hope i don't have a breakdown lol)


love you all lots

xx

Sasha

today will be all right.

I am sticking to my last post. I've been avoiding mirrors (a way to stay feeling pretty) and trying as hard as possible to not notice my fat pockets. I know that sounds just completely downer-like but honestly what keeps me from feeling pretty are my fat cells (which are expanding). but i'm feeling good. I haven't sunk into the pit of self-loathing for eating so much yesterday. It's at a mild dislike.
that is progresss.
In addition, i have a counseling appointment today at 10 and I'm practicing piano after that until at least 1. A guy, an old family friend but still a guy, (my age, 18 or 19 or so, and very attractive BUT I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!) is moving in with us this summer to play baseball at the local college. I love baseball.
I also love my boyfriend! Haha!
Anyway, he's moving his stuff in today at 1. and leaving at 4:30. My boyfriend wants to come over when this other guy is here.... Not sure if this is a good idea as he has vehemently expressed his strong dislike already...
Anyway, i have a piano lesson at 6:30. Then i'm getting out at 7:30 and going to the gym for several hours. If you're interested in what I'm learning for piano, there are videos of the songs in one of my pages on the right of this blog.
Playing piano reminds me of what potential i have. it reminds me that i can't throw my life away. that's why it's good for me.

i'm not weighing myself today. not until sunday the day before the fast. i think this is a good idea.

I'll post my intake and outtake tonight!
much love from the west coast.
xx
Sasha

Monday, June 14, 2010

positive changes.

okay. i have some new ideas, new plans, new motivations, new feelings.

1. i need to feel okay. i need to feel like even if i eat, i am still pretty. some might call feeling ugly complete motivation to starve, but for me it causes binge purge sessions. it is not okay. i am going to reassure myself every day that i'm pretty, and i'm making weight loss progress.

2. i need to not binge and purge anymore. i do need control in my life. 1,000 calories per day. no more. and i'm going to run daily, but not in a purgeing sort of way. i am going to do it for speed, endurance, and distance.

3. i am going to be more creative. i am going to start writing my poetry again. my english teacher told me about how talented i am and of course i'm too shy and my self esteem is too low for me to show anyone else. but i can do it for me, and only me, and i'm okay with this.

4. no more substance abuse. i don't do it very often but i do it when i'm absolutely miserable, beyond all repair. that will be fixed. tonight is the last night. adieu, pills. they're bad for me.

5. no more caffeine abuse either. usually i have about 2 mugs of coffee in the morning and 2 large mcdonalds sized cups of diet coke. it makes me lightheaded and makes me eat, not good not good!! i can only have it as a treat on weekends. (tea is not included in this)

6. on June 20 i am going to do the http://hungryforchange.blogspot.com fast. for ten days. i am going to detox and flush out every binge system in my body. this fast will be my protest to closed off relationships. my whole life i have pushed myself away from people for fear of getting close to them (i have pretty bad abandonment issues. it's not good and part of the reason i B/P and starve). during these ten days i will not shut myself off from my boyfriend or friends and family. i will be loving, charitable, and sincere in my efforts.

i hope this all works. i need to love myself, i need to feel okay, i need to feel pretty. i need to let myself love others and be loved by others.

i love you all terribly.

xx
Sasha

wow, here we go again.

i hate, HATE my eating disorder. bulimia is ruining my life. it's taking over parts that i need to succeed in life.
last night i didn't go to a vacation bible school mandatory meeting for the volunteering i was going to do (VBS is a program that churches have for little kids, they have fun and the older kids sit around and help them make crafts and stuff.). so now i'm not volunteering this week, or next week. i didn't go because iw as TOO FUCKING DEPRESSED about my weight.
i am so stupid and selfish.
tonight i'm supposed to be teaching an entire song to a group of kids and i can't, because i just binged and then took laxatives. i will now be crying and screaming over the toilet bowl (sorry if that's TMI) as they don't get to learn the song and the whole show goes awry because of me.

i don't want to be here anymore. i'm tired of bingeing and purgeing. i want to stop. i hate how sick i am. i hate how this morning i got onthe scale and it read "115.6" and i hated myself so much i was seriously considering suicide. and i hate how after this little episode i go and eat because...well..what's the POINT if i'm not LOSING ANYTHING?
and the cycle continues.

sunday my parents are leaving. from this sunday to june 30 i will not eat. and i will not weigh either, because apparently that makes me give up way too easily.
i will not eat. i swear to you.

will
not
eat.

i can't look at myself in the mirror. i can't look at anyone in the eye. i'm a dirty miserable mess.
why would anyone want to have an eating disorder? WHY? it does nothing. nothing at all.
it's ruined my life, it's ruined my relationships.
i hope nobody ever goes through what i'm going through right now.

that's it. the end. everyone please stay away from eating disorders, they kill you inside.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

i need to apologize

For my various breakdowns this week i am truly sorry. This is what bingeing does to me and i really hate being such a downer. Last night was particularly bad, i really thought i was going to die and it terrified me. I'm okay today, after going to the gym (where i did NOT run 6 miles, i ran about 2.5, because i started feeling better) and I'm sorry if i seemed so..selfish and distant. i wasn't even commenting your posts for a while just because of it.
so yeah...
sorry everyone :( i'll be better tomorrow after today's fast i promise you. i promise when i get down to 110 you will get an updated pic of me thinner and smiling, and you can all relax
much love.
much much love,
so much.

i need to go compose music for the show i'm composing for now.

xx

1 pound total loss this week.

what the fuck?
what the FUCK.
WHAT THE FUCK.
i'm so angry at myself for all those binges you wouldn't even believe it.
i hate myself so intensely. i'm going to go run at least 6 miles at the gym now.
what the fuck is the matter with me?
that's all i have to say.
what the fuck.
five pounds in 7 days. it needs to happen. this is punishment. watch me fade.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

motivation.

my physical death is the new motivation, yes i hate myself that much.
gym for 3 hours tomorrow. hope it works.
goodbye till tomorrow night.
i can't even be a good girlfriend right now. i can't even be a good daughter. i'm going to lose everybody. i'm going to cry.
i think my life is over, socially. i feel dead to everyone else. i just don't want to be here anymore.

don't worry, i'm not going to kill myself or something. but i am going to be consuming only about 300 calories a day, and that will be at dinner. everything else? fuck that. really fuck it i'm done. if i'm gonna have an eating disorder i'm going to make sure i at least lose weight and get SOMETHING positive out of it.
fuck you bulimia.
i don't really care anymore about anything.
tomorrow i'm going to the gym from 6 am to 9 amto help burn off this binge. then i'm fasting. nobody can make me eat, not even my parents or my boyfriend.
i'm just tired.
eating always makes me binge.
i'm tired of bingeing.
i'm not going to eat anymore. i'm so sad, i'm just so sad right now.
at the moment i'm 116.4 pounds. hopefully at midnight i'll be down to 115.something.
then tomorrow i'll be at the 114 mark, maybe a bit over but better than 115.
i just don't want to feel anymore. i'm tired :( i miss being skinny, i miss being me, i miss feeling accomplished and happy.
god damn my fucking fucked up wasted life. i'm just so wasted, in the dumpster trash sort of way. im losing everything to my eating disorder and it's not even helping me lose weight right now.

good AND bad news.









good news: i am now 114.2 pounds, or .2 pounds from my "short-term goal weight" by June 13.
bad news: it took me way too long to get there. 6 days and 2 pounds? what the hell? i need to be doing at least 1 pound every 2 days! all that bingeing is bad. i'm so done with it!

last night my boyfriend told me how much he hated it when i obsessed over food. like, HATES it. and he said his little sister notices it (and she's overweight so she get offended....) and he said it hurts her feelings. so i guess i need to be more sensitive :/
i'm not going to the gym today, my calves feel absolutely amazing and i can barely walk! i did sprints on the treadmill yesterday which seemed to have definitely given me some serious pain. that's a good thing though, definitely definitely.

today is this: a family breakfast (those are worse than dinners cause NOTHING there is ever healthy, at all) and skipping lunch and hopefully only a little dinner. i need to lose those .2 pounds.
new goal weight for JUNE 20: 110.0 pounds.

four pounds in 7 days. let's get it done.
watch me demolish my life.

Friday, June 11, 2010

:(

last night's binge now has me at...well way more pounds than i was yesterday.

fuck.
okay you know what? that's all right. i'm still less than what i was on wednesday (phew!) and i'm going to the gym for at least 2 hours right this second.
i'll be under 115 again soon enough, hopefully i'll hit 114 by sunday like i hoped.

in other news, my grandparents from Illinois are visiting here and we're going out to lunch today together. gulp. eating out is my downfall, ladies, i always do SOMETHING stupid to ruin what i've got going for myself.

hopefully the gym will keep me from doing this. i'm tired of being bulimic, i'm craving anorexia so bad right now it's not even funny.
well what are you waiting for?
i'm waiting for absolutely nothing. at least my binges are getting smaller and smaller, at least the voice hasn't gone away completely.
yet.
it won't though, it really won't. anorexia will never completely leave me. i can find it again. i'm not afraid of bones.

hell, i bought a SCALE!

anyway. gym for 2 hours, hopefully i burn some serious megacalories.
like 1000.
no i'm not going exercise bulimic i swear...

xx
Sasha


Thursday, June 10, 2010

serious weight loss!! :)

wow so i got onto my scale this morning after that seriously intense workout last night and "normal eating" day.
it said 115.0.
i couldn't BELIEVE it. yesterday i was 116.8?!
i got on it again. 114.8.
and did it again. 114.8.
i am 114.9 pounds then, i decided.
what the HELL? that's a 1.9 weight loss in one day! i can't believe it! but i'm so excited anyway :)

today i'm eating under 800 calories. so far i have had 350, which constitutes for my breakfast. i might eat a snack and then dinner (i have 450 calories left). and maybe tonight i'll go to the gym? hopefully i'll go to the gym. it depends on what my boyfriend wants to do.

gym or boyfriend? right now i'm actually leaning toward gym. (don't tell him).
today is going to be another hectic and busy day. woo hoo..

i love you all! and ah i lost 1.9 pounds!

xx
sasha

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

interesting day for an ED.





there is an elegance in dance that i envy. i wish i had their muscle control, their otherworld-like beauty. in my dreams, i am as graceful and gently and passionate as they are with their beautiful perfect bodies.
their beauty fascinates and moves me.
i ate 1500 calories exactly.
i was convinced that i'd eaten more, it felt like i'd eaten 2500 not 1500. but no, the calculator doesn't lie. it's my first "normal eating" day in about a month, not even kidding.
every other day has been either under 500 (yay!) or over 2500 (nay). but in order to burn off some of those very horribly normal calories i went to the gym, biked (like a maniac on one of the spin cycling bikes) 6 miles in 21 minutes (it said i burned 150. but i was seriously dying. if i only burned 150 calories then shoot me cause it felt like i burned 300), ran 2 miles (165 cals), and did elliptical for 5 minutes (50 cals, i know i got tired hahaha). then did lunges and squats and calf raises with 10 pound weights for about 10 minutes.
it felt GOOD. and afterward, i didn't even want to think about eating. yay! i'm pretty sure i burned at least 500 today. i swear to god that stupid bike almost killed me. :)
i can't wait to weigh myself tomorrow! i'd weigh in now, but honestly it's gonna be waaay up cause i drank 3 16-oz bottles of water (yes ladies, i REFILL my water bottles for about a month, the same 3 every day when i go to the gym. could you imagine the plastic i'd waste by recycling them every time? that'd be like 300 bottles in a month. 3 a month is much better.)

anyway, i decided my first goal is to have beautiful and sexy and tight abs again. like this:
oh, and i want HER hip bones:


can you just shoot me now? please? i'm from california. my body is SUPPOSED to look like this. hahahaha.

i love you girlies! please check the "june weight calendar" tomorrow morning for the results of this weird weird food and eating day!

love you all bunches!!

Sasha.

A very busy day ahead:

1. nutritionist appointment at 10. she won't be happy i'm still over 115 (my weight range is 112-115 and the bingeing sent me to 116.8 this morning. ewww!) but she'll be relieved next week when i weigh within the range hopefully!
2. lunch with best friend at our fave sushi restaurant. i'll just order some miso and carrots and say i'm not feeling well. screw sashimi! (even though i adore raw red snapper. i've already eaten today.)
3. piano lesson (another one!) at 2. after that i'll be going home to fill out info for taxation and stuff with my new job. (i'm composing music for a local musical. yay!)
4. rehearsal for local musical at 5 pm. ugh. it sucks. won't be out till about 8 probably.
5. at 8, i go home and compose till about midnight. which should be fun. this is when coffee becomes your best friend.

announcement: i'm no longer posting my intake and daily weight on the blog itself. now they are in pages on top of the blog. look for "june weight calendar" and "daily intake" and you will be able to see what i've eaten for the day, so far.

in other news, i'm a lazy bitch. and i lost a half pound yesterday. yay!
hopefully i'll be 116.0 tomorrow, and 115,4 friday, and 114 by sunday.......

xx
Sasha

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

changed my URL address

don't want mom and dad reading my planned weight loss.
the idea of treatment terrifies me.
so...they can't find me anymore.
i'm no longer sittting skinny.
but i'm still here!! :))

heat.

this is me right now off my webcam. it's so (bleep)ing hot that i have woken up yet again. in a desperate attempt to get cooled off i've run to the kitchen and grabbed the coldest portable thing: an icepack, which you see me with here, along with my smeared and smudged makeup.

i'm fasting all day today. i feel awfully bloated. at 10 o clock exactly, i will weigh myself again. i know i will be over 117 pounds after last night's binge. (insert the name of an omniscent force here) knows that i'll probably BE 120 after the amount i DID eat.
i'll fake severe constipation and maybe take some laxies. hmmmm.

it's four in the morning. last time you heard from me was only probably about 5 hrs ago. i'm sorry if my serious frequent blogging is irritating you but my writer's block was killing me the past month/few weeks. but now i'm back and suddenly i have so many things to say to you all.

here are some inspiring quotes i found...well...inspiring.

"impossible is temporary." -nba
"if you care at all, you'll get some results. if you care enough you'll get incredible results"
"we can have more than we've got because we can become more than we are"
"nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude." - Euripides
"Failures do what is tension relieving, whil winners do what is goal winning." -Dennis Waitley

faill

binged again.
god damn it.

i hate myself.

tomorrow i'm fasting. only liquids. same with wednesday. i doubt thursday will work :( but i hope it does cause my stomach literally has a roll. oh my god. a fucking ROLL.

(i need to stop using potty mouth....it's very unladylike...)

Monday, June 7, 2010

scale.

bought it. have it hidden (won't say where...sneaky sneaky!). VERY excited and relieved i'm not in fact 120 pounds like i assumed. the number is still unacceptably high though. i'm willing to work with it! tomorrow hopefully i'll be only a decimal off. that's all i'm asking.

so far today:
2 full fat eggs
1 slich whole wheat toast

gym:
15 minutes on elliptical (burned 175 calories)
15 pushups
20 lunges (with 10 pound dumbells)
20 squats (with 10 pound dumbells)
10 bicep curls (only 8 pounds...sigh.)
20 shoulder presses (20 pounds total)
4 minutes of plank pose variations.
about 2 minutes of using the step for lunges and the like

i'm hoping i burned off about 200 calories. and my metabolism is hopefully boosted. i know i didn't do much strength training but i haven't been to the gym for a while.

xx
i'll go comment your posts now.
ta ta!

Today will be eventful.

It's only 5:53 AM where I live but I woke up at 5 in a huge hot flash (I'm not getting old, of course, this is simply because summer in my city is ridiculously at boiling point. maybe even at the temp of water in vapor state. but I'm out of chemistry now so i'll stop being nerdy and just say boiling hot).

I'll be getting a scale today. I'm terrified of what my weight will be. God I can only imagine the number. 120? 122?
:(
Fucckkk. I'm scared. Someone please comfort me :P

But then again today I'm going to spin class! Yay! I can't wait to get my ass kicked into shape. I seriously need it. I miss being sexy a lot. I can barely be in the same room with someone without feeling huge, and lardy. and it's so embarrassing. I haven't been like this in like 6 months. Fuck bingeing.


NEVER BINGE GIRLS. NEVER. If you don't do it right now, keep it that way! It's so addicting and I hate it!

Anyway. I'll post more later. Called my boyfriend last night at 11:30 worrying about the whole treatment thing. Now he knows about the fact that they might send me and I'm scared of what will happen when I see him today. And geez I guess I'll post my weight too... :/

xx
Sasha

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Graduation week = food everywhere (long post)

So this week i was supposed to do the Challenge diet. uh....yeah. i really don't want to talk about how much of a fuck up i am.
Point blank, I fail. i fail like nothing ELSE. and i'm an even bigger fail because my sister caught me purging and told my mother. she thought i'd quit that.
well hellooooo! if you were eating like a fucking horse all week you'd purge up too!

anyway. i don't know what to do because now they're threatening treatment centers.
i don't want to get better i don't want to get better i don't want to get better
I DON'T WANT TO GET BETTER.
and my poor boyfriend, he's so worried about me, he keeps going on about how he wants me to be healthy. i feel like he's codependent on my health which is bad. if i am not eating, he always gets worried.
if i go into a treatment center, i WILL be breaking up with him.

and that kills me but it's for his lovely benifit. i don't want him to have to deal with a seriously mentally ill girlfriend.
in other news, i got a lot of shit for graduation. :) besides weight gain of course.

about 545 dollars. a 160 gig classic Ipod. a laptop (which i am on right now). and a necklace that apparently cost my parents as much as the laptop.
:O holy fuck that's a lotttt of money for a necklace.

i'm not going to church anymore, it's too hard to be anorexic when you're getting love and hope preached at you once a week. (so weird but true. feeling loved and content makes me want to...well.... recover. hell noooo!)

anyway, i've binged for a week straight and my stomach is showing it :(

tomorrow: gym!! for a couple hours. AND counseling. yay! i really do love counseling. i'm gonna ask her what she thinks about me getting prescription for anxiety. i'm such a fucking basket case hahahaha.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Intake for the Day/Thoughts:

Intake can be found on http://anachallengediet.blogspot.com
I made it to 100 calories today. I'm exceptionally proud of myself because I'm ridiculously lightheaded and suffering from short-term malnutrition. Oh well. It is worth it definitely.
Tomorrow is the 300 calorie day! I hope I do well.
I will be posting a "Day 1" picture tonight on a page I'll create for "before/after". June 31 will be when I post my "after" picture. I'm hoping to be down to 105 by then! Eight pounds in 31 days is very possible. (Please be gentle when looking at my weight - I've definitely gained a lot from bingeing, I am ashamed to say.)

I've braided a "progress ribbon" into my hair. Every day that I complete successfully, I will braid a new ribbon into my hair. I'm pretty excited, it's a great motivator to stay under the allowed calorie limit!

I'm now practicing 3 to 4 hours of piano every day. Talk about stressful, and all the while very blissful.

Last night my boyfriend drunk-dialed me. It was pretty interesting.

Progress picture soon!

xx
Sasha

Monday, May 31, 2010

the bitch is back!

i am SO SORRY for not posting for so long! i had my blog on private for a while because my parents found it. but i think they're over it and i don't think they'll be checking it out any time soon.
i've been bingeing for the past 3 weeks. my weight's been fluctuating from 110 to 114 from bingeing, then purging and starving.
i'm so over it.
i'm ready to restart my life, get renewed, find spiritual and physical happiness.

Emi and I are going to be doing the Challenge diet, created by both of us. starting tomorrow we'll be following a strict food plan! if you'd like to see the plan go to http://anachallengediet.blogspot.com and hit the follow button. we'll be tracking our workouts and food intake daily on there. if you'd like to join let me know!

i'm getting my life back. i'm done being 114 pounds.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

down a few pounds :)

thank goodness.
i hadn't binged or purged since Sunday. but then tonight i made a mistake and just ate too much. and purged. i'm trying not to binge again, i'm hoping it doesn't happen.

tomorrow: skip breakfast, and lunch. 100 oz of diet soda is allowed. and non-starchy vegetables.
anything else is bad bad bad.

i'm hoping today was 1500 after the purge :(

in addition, update on therapy:
i did art therapy today with finger painting. i painted my relationship with my dad, my relationship with my Ex (THE Ex), my relationship with "C" (my boyfriend), and my relationship wiht God. and i painted how i felt this week had gone.
and i had painted how i wanted to feel in the future.

it was both beautiful and emotional. i wish i could describe how i felt seeing my soul in blues, greens, and yellow shades that only kindergarteners use most of the time.
i suggest it. i felt very good afterward.

but then i binged and purged tonight. hmmm. lol.

i love you all
xx

Friday, May 14, 2010

in between. not there, not alive, but not dead either. all day. people saying things to me. i don't hear them. literally, their voices just die before their words hit my ears.
and my poor mother "...i know you've been restricting..."
fuck you. i'm bingeing every night about 5,000 calories.
and i'm doing it tonight. and no i'm not going to throw it up tonight. i just don't fucking care anymore.
i just want to jump off a fucking bridge and die.

Monday, May 3, 2010

the parents found my blog, but...

i'm not deleting it. no, no no no no. i can't live without the support you have given me. my parents are extremely sad and upset and scared. and i'm so embarrassed.

i really pulled a fast one on them, didn't i?

we didn't know... you're this sick...
well mommy dearest, i've been like this all the time.
the blog really opened my eyes to how much you're suffering, i'm so sorry you're going through this...

so am i. because i am throwing my life away on it.

they know about the blog though. i've made it more private (authors can read it ONLY) but still.

i've been restricting beautifully the past 4 days. it feels good to be back on my feet.

trying to hold off a b/p right now, i haven't done it in 4 days though and i don't want to break the record!!

i love you all soo much. i will be commenting your posts now.

xx
Sasha

Sunday, May 2, 2010

kay real update (warning this might be depressing, sorry.)

i don't mean to be a downer or anything. but this is a post of self-discovery.
i am a lazy daughter. i don't CARE about my parents or my boyfriend or my family and friends enough to get better. recovery is too difficult, i don't want to do it, i've been fighting it for about 2months.
and it's 90 dollars a session for my counseling. and like 30 a session for my nutritionist. and all i do is lie to them both and say i'm fine, or i'm getting better, i'm good now, i'm recovered, no i'm not purging, no i'm not restricting.
and i don't care enough that they're spending about 400 dollars a month on my recovery. i should care. it should be some sort of motivation, but it's NOT. my parents don't even have retirement money and they're throwing it all away on something that isn't going to happen.
now, part of me DOES care. part of me wants to tell them "i don't want to get better and you might as well stop paying for this because it's useless" but i am way too scared.
so i'm just going to have to keep going, keep going, forever and ever while my brain is sick and i'm just wallowing in it. see? lazy.
i don't LIKE hating myself. i HATE hating myself. it's the worst feeling in the world. but i don't bother trying to get better anymore because it seems so futile, so impossible.

technically, i WAS "recovered" for a while. i ate normally for about a month. but then i started bingeing. and then came the purging. recovered restrictor, and newfound bulimic. now i'm back at the restriction.

i burned 450 cals at the gym this morning (yay me!!) and i have eaten an apple. that's it.

but still. i mean honestly, why would i want to look like everyone else? ew.

xxxxxx i love you guys!

Saturday, May 1, 2010

on death and dying.

i am going to die from this. it just hit me about ten minutes ago. my love affair with ED will eventually kill me. it might take a year, it may take fifty years, but i am going to die from this. honestly i don't care. i am back to restricting like mad and the idea of dying to me isn't scary, it just sounds like a great relief. i will just not exist. my soul will be extinguished and i'll be gone from the earth. that is how i feel right now.
if it kills me, i do NOT care. death isn't a motivator to get healthy, it's just a very tiny con on my pro-con list for doing this.
i love starving. there you go. no more bingeing and purging for me. there's no control in that - it's all impulse, all misery and not really knowing exactlly how many calories are going out and in your body. restricting is beautiful - all hard lines, no ifs ands or buts.

i'm not sad, just a bit crazy.

i love you all.

xx
Sasha

Thursday, April 29, 2010

bingeing today, all day.

i don't even care. i'm not even going to bother purging. i'm just going ot eat and eat and eat and then this weekend i'll fast until i just don't exist.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

new plan!

+stop drinking ex large diet cokes every day. the teeth are turning a gross color.
+only 2 cups of coffee in the morning - no more!
+no more than 800 calories per day
+burn at least 400 calories a day working out at the gym
+drink 5 16 oz bottles of water every day
+update at least 2 times per week
+do homework EVERY DAY.
+stop bingeing and purging - your stomach WILL SHOW IT.
+practice piano 1 hour a day (eating and not eating always makes me "busy")
+do this for 7 days without cracking under the pressure.



the last one will be slightly difficult, but i can do it.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

OMG I HAVE MISSED YOU.


i have been gone way too long :( i am sooo sorry. our computer stopped working and i have no other way of doing the blogging thing.


i haven't fucked mia... i have had a couple days of starving but i am still purging daily. oh well. the one thing i'm worried about is that it's starting to affect my voice (singing) and i am a really good soprano (not meaning to show off, it's simply fact) so i am really worried.


school is a big shithole i hate it. my mom is forcing me to make up ALL my missing work, and it's really irritating my senioritis - i caught it BAD.

i got a new babysitting job for Saturday! if i haven't told you, i'm going to Ithaca, NY this summer for music camp for ten days and i'm trying to raise money for a plane ticket home (yay!). and so i'll have 100 dollars raised after the weekend is over!


prom was pretty amazing. but...he and i got kicked off the dance floor for being inappropriate. WHAT? he gave me a KISS and we got kicked off! it was pretty stupid. but whatever.

the picture uploaded of my dress will be deleted in about 2 weeks. i don't want anyone finding this blog - it's way to scary to even think about! ugh. it's a pretty bad angled picture, and it makes me look HUGE. i am thinner than that...i swear :(


oh well.

i have missed you guys so much. you have no idea. i'm off to go comment your posts. much love!

xxxxx

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

today is fucking AWESOME.

gym at 4:30.

elliptical: 20 minutes: 250 calories
bike: 20 minutes: estimated 150 calories
treadmill: 10 minutes: 60 calories
stairmaster: 10 minutes: 60 calories
strength training: 30 minutes: probably 100 to 150 calories


burn estimate: about 620 calories. it's probably more but i didn't keep good track of what i was doing.
i feel awesome though.

i DID eat sadly :( but restricting kinda came naturally this morning.

i've eaten 150 calories. and i'm on my second mug of BLACK coffee.

skipping lunch today and not eating again until probably about seven:)

i'm going to Disneyland tomorrow (YAY!) with my choir for a festival, so i won't be back until midnight Friday. you know what this means? this means i can restrict for 2 days straight!!

aaaahhh my heart is leaping with joy right now :):):):)
i think i'm back to restricting because i simply told myself that it's safer than puking all the time. which is true in a way because my esophagus is mega-hurting. so i just woke up...and... poof!!... all of a sudden i was just like "fuck bulimia, let's get it going anorexia!"

so yeah.

i'm pretty happy right now. if you didn't notice.

and i love my boyfriend, just saying.

AND i love you guys too. i love love love getting your comments<3333

xx
Sasha Roe

Monday, April 19, 2010

a REAL update this time.

yesterday was bad. really really bad.

i had a panic attack for about the entire day - a very subtle one. but my pulse was racing like crazy and i couldn't breathe and i was extremely extremely anxious. i really thought something bad was going to happen, like someone was going to do something to hurt me (emotionally, not physically).

in my panic i rearranged the entire kitchen. everything is facing forward, even the lids, and all of it is alphabetized. it took me an hour.
after that hour i was feeling bad again (it helped calm me down a bit, but afterward i always feel the same) and i was crying and upset and my boyfriend asked me if i wanted to come over, i said yes sure but never left because i was in such a bad state. an hour later he texted me asking where i was. i showed up at his house and he wasn't even THERE, he was at target with his sister. i just hung out wth his dad though, which wasn't bad. got home and made dinner (greek salad) and ate a lot because i thought i'd be able to go to the gym.

the gym closes at 8. i couldn't go. i was so pissed i binged on chocolate and threw it all up.

i feel shitty this morning, but i'm going to go get more caffeine to keep my spirits up.

i hope your sunday was better than mine!!

xx
Sasha.



ps.on the bright side, i'm getting thinner! My weight's not going down though :/

Sunday, April 18, 2010

:)

i am going to pe posting prom dress pictures soon i PROMISE! just wait for me to get my tan okay :)

this weekend was pretty good. i saw the evil ex boyfriend that stole my heart yesterday at an organic supermarket (local, it's pretty awesome) though. and it broke my heart all over again, but then i remembered how amazing C (let's just call him that) is. (the recent boyfriend, i mean). who, sadly, never spent the night because my stupid brother's home from college. gets in the way all the time, i swear!!

i drove around and wasted gas for 2 hours yesterday, it was so majorly fun. it's really relaxing, driving and just not eating or have any money for eating.

tonight i'm making dinner for the family - not sure what it's going to be though. probably something asian.

tootles
xx
Sasha

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

so,

today was nice. mini binged, purged. going to the gym to run the rest off.

went to the eye doctor, i still have to wear contacts (fine by me, i'm blind as a BAT.)

parents are going out of town this weekend. it's very tempting to invite my boyfriend to spend the night on saturday. hmmm.

i have to pee like crazy. this was a very short post. just letting you ALL know that i'm thinking about ALL of you.

off to get ready for the gym!!

xx
Sasha

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

i failed last night.

the challenge thing i mean. everything was going GREAT - but then mom and dad left me home alone :( I ate cereal, whipped cream, and yogurt. since it was all dairy i didnt hurt myself but i still failed and now it makes me feel horrible.
today is a new day though! i ate breakfast and had the urge to purge (haha that rhymes) but i refrained!! :)
i got my prom dress yesterday. mom took me out of 6th period early so I could go to the mall. i found a dress, a belt, shoes, a bag, and a bra for all 90 dollars! effing cheap! the dress was 22 but it's so adorable. and it's a small ;) which makes me feel good.
i'm going to my nutritionist today - ewww. i hate how she can know what i weigh but i can't. i think i'm gaining because i'm getting a freaking ton of muscle. i mean, i look sexy, but i'm NOT skinny anymore. oh well! i'm not going to care. today will be a normal day, and i will not restrict or b/p.

i love you girls!
i'll put up pictures of my prom dress soon.

xx
Sasha roe

Sunday, April 11, 2010

here is a challenge:

NO BINGEING FOR SEVEN DAYS STRAIGHT. that means no ice cream, no yogurt, no graham crackers dunked in chocolate sauce (oh god i'm drooling). my throat hurts like a bitch. i need a break.

anybody want to do this with me, just try? tonight is my LAST NIGHT. i need to go have yogurt to soothe my throat from all the purging.

i'm praying to God tonight to help me through the next week - i haven't gone that long without bingeing in a couple months.

good night. i really love all of you. thank you new followers for following me. you light up my life.

xx
Sasha

Saturday, April 10, 2010

and in addition:

my therapist suggested i look at getting a prescription for antidepressants. has anyone used them before? i have really bad anxiety/OCD and she said it would help. but doesn't it make you gain weight?

please fill me in, lovelies<3

i think i'm becoming bulimic

i just can't stop purging. unless it's cheese, it's going up and out.
:(
i don't really know what to do right now. i'm supposed to be recovering. what did i get myself INTO? i know a lot of you reminded me... told me and warned me and told me to never ever get into purging. but i didn't listen and nowi'm suffering.

off to do some chores around the house.

xx
Sasha Roe

PS. i've been working out constantly. i went to a spin class and i suggest you guys go. my thighs were burning like crazy and i couldn't breathe for an hour. it was fantastic calorie torching.

PSS I officially have no fear of physical intimacy. finally let the boyfriend grope my boobcage area. (what did i get myself INTO?)

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

interesting week.

my boyfriend and i went to the gym together. i ran 8 miles , or 12.8 km for non-US residents (**bows** thank you, thank you) and he told me i worked out way too much and i needed to relax. he ran 3 miles (i WAS there for an hour longer than him, he's pretty fit himself but i was just there longer). it was sweet that he cared for me, but honestly burning 800 calories in an hour and 20 minutes is fucking fantastic.
tonight i'm going again, biking for 30 minutes then running for an hour. i ate 1600 calories today but i don't mind because i've been burning calories like a FIEND.

i'm 113.8 pounds naked in the morning. ew! i'm going to go down to 111. if i get any lower my nutritionist and i will have a smackdown and we don't want that, do we? ;)
(i'm not supposed to weigh myself but it's a secret... ssshhhhhh)

also, i'm going on a sugar detox. only one piece of fruit a day and cutting out ALL refined sugar products for at least 14 days. it fucks with my mood and then my family and i get in fights all the time.

i'm starving but i just ate a LOT. my metabolism is so fast right now :) yay fat burning!

off to the gym.

much love from the recovering side

xx
Sasha Roe

Sunday, April 4, 2010

chocolate:)

bulimia has me absolutely encased. sad but true. anorexia decided to ditch me, so bulimia takes me and makes me totally addicted and enraptured, like this:



i'm finally starting to feel sexy again.
chocolate tastes just as good coming up as it tastes going down. that's ALL i have to say about THAT.
happy easter, or solid milk chocolate day!
xx
Sashaa Roe

Friday, April 2, 2010

a note on purging:

i WISH someone told me how difficult it is to keep your food DOWN once it's started going UP.
i'm trying to stop in mid-purge and it's not painful, just extremely difficult.
i hate mia, i hate it. ana just disappeared from my life and so mia comes along to do SOMETHING with the foodie mess i've created.

tomorrow morning: run for 40 minutes. yes.

xx
Sasha Roe

Thursday, April 1, 2010

hello lovelies, i missed your posts!

i just got back from San Luis Obispo, Baby! What a gorgeous place that is, let me tell you.

i worked out like mad down there, burned about 400 calories a day on exercise, and then ruined it by eating.
but whatever.
i met my nutrionist on Monday and I promised her i'd not weigh myself.


...HAHA yeah right.

but she's skinnier than me, it's so not fair. she's like 5'6 and probably 105 pounds. i'm 5'2 and 5 pounds more than that.

bitch.

oh well, i'm officially deciding i'm going to give this recovery thing a go. i've not binged since that purge i last posted on, so i'm feeling really good. i'm hungry though.

i hate hunger. hunger needs to...die.
my recovering brain tells me hunger is EVIL, but then I don't want to get fat. it's very stressful and conflicting.

my spring break has been fabulous though.

more later,
xx
Sasha Roe

Monday, March 29, 2010

i purged tonight, first time ever.

my knees hugged the toilet bowl and i flexed and flexed and flexed.
i'm NEVER eating broccoli again, that was fucking SICK.

it was an interesting experience. it took me like an hour to throw up only a little ice cream and the broccoli from dinner.

hopefully it doesn't become habit...

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Disappointed...

I never got to buy laxatives yesterday. I could say my parents caught me or something stupid, but honestly... I just didn't have the guts to actively and openly rebel and get addicted to something other than restricting.

Still though, tonight I binged and had about 8 cookies and 2 slices of cake.... I'm sorry guys :( I feel crappy.
I WAS nominated Queen at the dance tonight at school and that was fun :P I wore a crown for 2 hours.
But I don't know... I've become very emotionally dependent on my boyfriend and he's been acting really stand-offish the past three days or so... I don't know what's wrong but it's just making me crazy. Yesterday I had carrots and a grilled cheese (no butter, and 1 slice of cheese on 2 pieces of bread. nothing TOO bad) for the whole day. today i had more but not as much but tonight I lost it and binged like crazy.

What is WRONG WITH ME!!!
I'm 112.9 pounds and it's disgusting and out of hand! It needs to go away!
Now I'm really wishing I had those laxatives.

My life was purple on Sunday. It just turned very, very, very brown.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

LAXATIVES!

yay! i'm buying some today!
xoxo
Sasha Roe

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

i am so confused.

I ate today. More than enough. This is what I had:

Breakfast:
shredded wheat (original) with fat free milk: 220 calories
1 egg+1 egg white: 85 calories "cutting out the yolk helps...right?"

Snack:
Snickers Almond: 230 calories "DON'T EAT THAT YOU STUPID FAT COW WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING?"

Lunch:
turkey on wheat with mustard: 240 calories
orange: 120 calories

Snack:
6 club crackers: 105 calories
chocolate & oats fiber one bar: 140 calories "You idiot. your stomach will never stop growing. look at those rolls. how will anyone want you looking like THAT?"

Dinner:
1/2 c. spaghetti: 350 calories "Ground beef? whore."
2 slices whole grain bread: 320 calories "arteries are exploding. exploding. you don't deserve to have an eating disorder."


TOTAL CALORIES CONSUMED: 1815

all day i was eating. thinking "No.. I need to get better. I need to recover. This is ridiculous." and I would feel the sudden compulsion to just eat everything in sight. I bought the snickers bar and afterward felt totally disgusted with myself. WHY couldn't i control my craving? aren't i supposed to be the one with all the control? and even thinking and obsessing over the food was just making me disgusted. but then i'd either eat, or start obsessing and fantasizing about being the thinnest of them all. and i'd be okay with it.

sometimes i'm just tired of being obsessed with food in general.
why can't i just eat like a normal person and always have to binge or starve?
i hate it. i hate it so much today it's not even funny.
and it's so weird, because i'm so unwilling to give it up.

xx
Sasha Roe

Monday, March 15, 2010

third post in 3 hours. just letting you all know i just binged on about 2000 calories and willnow spend the next 3 hours trying to throw it all back up, in vain.
tomorrow: i starve!

i don't know what i weigh.

and it's driving me INSANE. i have no idea how fat i am. ugh!

interesting counseling session today./Binge fantasy!!



Have you ever experienced discomfort when the opposite sex has touched you?
I just sort of sat there and stared at her, stupidly. I felt sort of like I did when I tried drugs, like my body was moving slower than my brain and I couldn't move quick enough.
(Yes dear counselor. Several times actually. Men are animals, no matter how sweet they taste.)
"Yeah, i have, only a few times though, it's not a big deal."
I suggest you think about those times and journal about them, and next week let's talk about it.
(Huh. Okay, Obi Wan.)
Silence.
How were you last week?
(Oh, I was okay, counselor. I binged twice and then went back to my OCD yesterday. No big deal, i'm actually really enjoying it. I mean I hate how I feel whenever I have a binge but then the starving part isn't too bad, as long as I'm drinking enough water.)
"I binged out once. And I'm chewing my food until it turns to mush in my mouth again. That's it though."
Wow, I'm such a little sneak :)

I had this super awesome daydream about a binge today, and everything I want to eat in one sitting. I would go to Carl's Jr. and buy the Jalapeno Six Dollar Burger (pepperjack cheese, jalapenos, beef -which i never touch, ever, unless I'm bingeing), a large Oreo shake next door at Baskin Robbins, and a large Criss-Cut Fries. Afterward, I'll go to ANOTHER Carl's and get the Western Bacon Six Dollar Burger and some milk (2 percent, please). (total calories at Carl's: 4200)

I'd go hit Taco Bell afterward and get a Mexican Pizza and a Crunchwrap Supreme and some Cinnamon Twists. And maybe even a Beef Chalupa, if I'm daring enough. (calories at T-Bell: 1650)


Then, I'll go to Coldstone and buy a whole Cookies & Creamery Ice Cream cake and eat all of it (5320 calories), as I sickeningly washing it down with a Venti White Chocolate Mocha from Starbucks (580 calories). Then off to my house to fry a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (don't ask, it's delicious but about 600 calories).

afterward, I'll drink 4L of water and throw EVERYTHING UP, violently until there's nothing but blood in the toilet. THAT is my favorite part, because I have a fear of throwing up and I can't make myself do it. That's why this is called a F A N T A S Y.
total calories consumed: 11750.




if only food didn't torture me. maybe then i'd have a LIFE.
xx
Sasha Roe

Sunday, March 14, 2010

here's my day (o-c tendencies way exploited)

wake up at 11:00. Look in mirror naked, pinch fat for about 5 minutes. wash face and get dressed - it's FREEZING. go into the kitchen and eat an apple and a slice of toast with light cream cheese on it - about 210 calories.

run around and dust house in frantic frenzy - it's extremely dirty here right now. yell at dad and tell him to stop bothering me, get car ALMOST taken away.

it's 2:00. go eat an orange and slowly dissect it before consuming, sucking all the juice out of the pulp before eating the pulp. 80 more calories. grand total of 290 calories for breakfast and lunch.

go to Alice in Wonderland for the second time (since Friday) at 3:30. Buy a regular Diet Coke (about 25 oz) and fill it twice. drink ALL OF IT (yummy caffeine...who cares if it's bad for me?!) and let it work wonders on my metabolism-slash-brain. Get sent to Famous Dave', a disgusting bar-b-que restaurant that makes me want to tear my hair out (one corn bread muffin is about 600 calories...does that not tell you something about the place??) and order a chargrilled chicken sandwich, plain, just a bun and chicken.

take top of bun and set it aside - eliminate 150 calories. take knife and cut bottom bun and chicken up into tiny pieces, and do so for about 5 minutes. I've consumed my first bite. chew 50 times and swallow. repeat. I take a grand total of 30 minutes to finish the chicken breast and a third of the bun. By then, everyone else is done and I'm able to say I'm full. Total calories consumed: 300.

So today was a 600 calorie day. I'm feeling way bloated and nauseous because of it, but who cares? tomorrow I'll feel great because of it.

shitbitch my life sucks.



that is what i feel like right now >>>>>>>>>


and that cake is what I had a slice of tonight.>>
god i'm so fucking fat. fatfatfatfatFAT. i had a slice of cake and a fucking huge plate of chinese food tonight at a birthday party. i have no control. my stomach is continuing to expand. i cant stand myself.





and then i have to go take it out on my wonderful boyfriend, who does nothing but pamper and love me. i am the fattest, most undeserving person ever. i can't believe I've been eating so FUCKING MUCH. my weight is creeping up and it's fucking with my fucking life. i hate people, i hate myself, i just don't give a shit anymore. i'm NOT EATING TOMORROW.. and if i do it's because my Parents (the evil ones that create this sort of hell where they police me on my food and feelings. bitches) force me to. i refuse to lose control anymore. i'm going to look like one of those obese girls someday if i eat like this. i will. i see them at school every day, licking lollipops and talking about sex and eating twix peanut butter bars while i sit in the corner and glare at them, either completely jealous that they can be happy with no control or terrified i'll end up like them.


if i eat something, i'll eat everything, so i eat nothing.


i'm sorry, i hate bitching. i HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE BITCH. god i'm stupid for doing it. wait...that's me bitching, again. i'm just going to shut the fuck up now.

happy fucking March 8th, world.

xx
Sasha Roe