Friday, June 25, 2010

Pain and fear.

Last night, I purged. I purged dark brown. I'm fairly convinced it was blood, because when you purge blood it's not always red.
I've been having severe waves of nausea rolling over me for the past two days, and every time I stand I feel faint and dizzy. I've been experiencing the dizziness ever since Monday. I thought it was just from the fast, but I don't think it is. I have a moderate pain in my upper left abdomen that's been going on and off since monday.

Pretty much, I'm experiencing everything you experience whenever you have an ulcer. Purging blood means that it's also a BLEEDING ulcer.

bleeding ulcers can be fatal if you don't treat them. sadly enough, there's no way for me to get it treated until about July 12. I'm pretty fucking terrified that I'm going to die.

I can't believe I've let myself get so hurt. It's so wrong. So carnal. whyohwhydidieverstartpurging?
I was actually praying for god to extend my life. PRAYING. I haven't truly prayed in literally months.

in better news: i've lost about a pound of fat this week from fasting. yay! and my appetite has severely decreased too, I'm just not hungry anymore! i've had 250 calories today so far and that made me soooo full! So this is a good thing. Hopefully i'll have a 5 pounds-of-fat weight loss by next sunday.



Anonymous said...

Shit! Man i hope you're gonna be okay D:. Hang in there, we love you.

Meg said...

Gosh, hope you'll be OK soon! I know what you're saying about praying, I did it couple weeks ago. I haven't prayed in YEARS, not months. But it looked like I was very ill and I prayed. Idk whether it helped or not, I'm still waiting for the results and I'm really scared.
Congrats for your weight loss, fasting helps a ton in decreasing appetite.

~ Meg

A@ Please Don't Eat Me! said...

i would get yourself to a clinic my dear, that does NOT sound good at ALL!!!!