Monday, May 31, 2010

the bitch is back!

i am SO SORRY for not posting for so long! i had my blog on private for a while because my parents found it. but i think they're over it and i don't think they'll be checking it out any time soon.
i've been bingeing for the past 3 weeks. my weight's been fluctuating from 110 to 114 from bingeing, then purging and starving.
i'm so over it.
i'm ready to restart my life, get renewed, find spiritual and physical happiness.

Emi and I are going to be doing the Challenge diet, created by both of us. starting tomorrow we'll be following a strict food plan! if you'd like to see the plan go to and hit the follow button. we'll be tracking our workouts and food intake daily on there. if you'd like to join let me know!

i'm getting my life back. i'm done being 114 pounds.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

down a few pounds :)

thank goodness.
i hadn't binged or purged since Sunday. but then tonight i made a mistake and just ate too much. and purged. i'm trying not to binge again, i'm hoping it doesn't happen.

tomorrow: skip breakfast, and lunch. 100 oz of diet soda is allowed. and non-starchy vegetables.
anything else is bad bad bad.

i'm hoping today was 1500 after the purge :(

in addition, update on therapy:
i did art therapy today with finger painting. i painted my relationship with my dad, my relationship with my Ex (THE Ex), my relationship with "C" (my boyfriend), and my relationship wiht God. and i painted how i felt this week had gone.
and i had painted how i wanted to feel in the future.

it was both beautiful and emotional. i wish i could describe how i felt seeing my soul in blues, greens, and yellow shades that only kindergarteners use most of the time.
i suggest it. i felt very good afterward.

but then i binged and purged tonight. hmmm. lol.

i love you all

Friday, May 14, 2010

in between. not there, not alive, but not dead either. all day. people saying things to me. i don't hear them. literally, their voices just die before their words hit my ears.
and my poor mother "...i know you've been restricting..."
fuck you. i'm bingeing every night about 5,000 calories.
and i'm doing it tonight. and no i'm not going to throw it up tonight. i just don't fucking care anymore.
i just want to jump off a fucking bridge and die.

Monday, May 3, 2010

the parents found my blog, but...

i'm not deleting it. no, no no no no. i can't live without the support you have given me. my parents are extremely sad and upset and scared. and i'm so embarrassed.

i really pulled a fast one on them, didn't i?

we didn't know... you're this sick...
well mommy dearest, i've been like this all the time.
the blog really opened my eyes to how much you're suffering, i'm so sorry you're going through this...

so am i. because i am throwing my life away on it.

they know about the blog though. i've made it more private (authors can read it ONLY) but still.

i've been restricting beautifully the past 4 days. it feels good to be back on my feet.

trying to hold off a b/p right now, i haven't done it in 4 days though and i don't want to break the record!!

i love you all soo much. i will be commenting your posts now.


Sunday, May 2, 2010

kay real update (warning this might be depressing, sorry.)

i don't mean to be a downer or anything. but this is a post of self-discovery.
i am a lazy daughter. i don't CARE about my parents or my boyfriend or my family and friends enough to get better. recovery is too difficult, i don't want to do it, i've been fighting it for about 2months.
and it's 90 dollars a session for my counseling. and like 30 a session for my nutritionist. and all i do is lie to them both and say i'm fine, or i'm getting better, i'm good now, i'm recovered, no i'm not purging, no i'm not restricting.
and i don't care enough that they're spending about 400 dollars a month on my recovery. i should care. it should be some sort of motivation, but it's NOT. my parents don't even have retirement money and they're throwing it all away on something that isn't going to happen.
now, part of me DOES care. part of me wants to tell them "i don't want to get better and you might as well stop paying for this because it's useless" but i am way too scared.
so i'm just going to have to keep going, keep going, forever and ever while my brain is sick and i'm just wallowing in it. see? lazy.
i don't LIKE hating myself. i HATE hating myself. it's the worst feeling in the world. but i don't bother trying to get better anymore because it seems so futile, so impossible.

technically, i WAS "recovered" for a while. i ate normally for about a month. but then i started bingeing. and then came the purging. recovered restrictor, and newfound bulimic. now i'm back at the restriction.

i burned 450 cals at the gym this morning (yay me!!) and i have eaten an apple. that's it.

but still. i mean honestly, why would i want to look like everyone else? ew.

xxxxxx i love you guys!

Saturday, May 1, 2010

on death and dying.

i am going to die from this. it just hit me about ten minutes ago. my love affair with ED will eventually kill me. it might take a year, it may take fifty years, but i am going to die from this. honestly i don't care. i am back to restricting like mad and the idea of dying to me isn't scary, it just sounds like a great relief. i will just not exist. my soul will be extinguished and i'll be gone from the earth. that is how i feel right now.
if it kills me, i do NOT care. death isn't a motivator to get healthy, it's just a very tiny con on my pro-con list for doing this.
i love starving. there you go. no more bingeing and purging for me. there's no control in that - it's all impulse, all misery and not really knowing exactlly how many calories are going out and in your body. restricting is beautiful - all hard lines, no ifs ands or buts.

i'm not sad, just a bit crazy.

i love you all.