Monday, December 12, 2011

failure day...

I took some uppers today just to feel good. My boyfriend told me if i ever did drugs again that he would dump me. He noticed my elated mood but passed on it as simply some hypomania - which i still get even though i've been taking my mood drugs (or so he thinks. they make me feel stupid.)

Went to a party tonight (alcohol free, kid friendly) and ate a shitton, smoked too much. I don't know what has become of me anymore.

I am 130 pounds and hate it. My boyfriend is having problems getting his "member" up so i can't have any sex to relieve my stress. It makes me feel ugly - what is it about me that doesn't turn him on? He says he appreciates my body, but how can you appreciate something meant to be sexual if you aren't getting a motherfucking boner?

I'm tired... And depressed. I'm going to bed.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

I am officially back.. Promise.

Took a jaunty trip to the mental hospital back in october where they pumped me with food and pills, diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder, then went on their merry way. I went from 122 pounds (i was losing so well.) to 130.

Here we go again, all along this ridiculous merry go round....
I binged today.

My boyfriend and I have a lot of difficulty being apart. When I'm not with him, I binge and purge. When he's not with me, he drinks. We're destroying and hurting each other every moment we're on our own.

I hope all of you found your thanksgiving well. I found mine gone, disappearing right off the calendar. I stayed home and composed all day.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

ask me something honest. i want to know what you're curious about.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Update :/

I have been feeling very alone of late. All my relationships seem so meaningless now.
I have been bingeing. I have also been purging everything, too. It doesn't matter though - whether I purge or not, I still have failed.
Today, I am turning over a new leaf. Water. Coffee and fat free creamer. Apples. They have become my staple food. I am turning the tides, returning to my former ally - myself. I have betrayed my body in so many ways. No more will I be this fat girl. I feel like there is an excess of myself, an excess of who I am.
No more will I feel that way. Tomorrow, I return to the gym. I will rid myself of my excess, I will become who I need to be. I am not myself. All the anxiety, all the labor of my life, I feel has been a result of my fat, disgusting body. I am ready to finally change that. I see so clearly what I need now. I feel like my denial, the veil that's been covering my eyes, has at last been released. I am so fat now, and ashamed at myself.
Today is Day 1 of my 21 day resolution. 4 pounds a week at least.
Week 1, eat only citrus fruits and vegetables and fat free protein. NO bread, pasta, bananas. 1,000 calories per day.
Week 2, cut out fruit and meats. Vegetables, bananas, and fat free milk. 700 calories per day.
Week 3, back to the first week, but 800 calories a day. I refuse to properly restrict like I used to - hey, maybe this will even be recovery for me?

I need to exercise daily - 45 minutes of cardio, and 30 minutes of strength. I need this weight off. I will count every calorie. I am tired of myself. I need a change, and this is my key to success. Every other food feels so unsafe to me. I try to eat bread and all i hear is "fat fat fat" chanting in my head. What a positive way to start and end the day, right?

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

returned for good.

Hello everyone... I'm back, and 140 pounds. I"m officially almost overweight. It's killing me. I feel like I have lost everything. So much has happened. New boyfriend... Same college major. I'm in a lot of pain. I miss my restricting. I'm fat now. I'm ready to start over. I'm back because I feel like I have lost something very special, I have lost my purpose in life. It's officially meaningless. I'm back, to find my way back home. I am back to find my anorexia once more. it's the only thing I have left.

Thursday, December 23, 2010


i can't even tell you guys. i haven't been on this blog in 6 months, and i have gained 20 pounds. i'm so miserable that i'm back here. i need to get back into where i used to be. i'm now addicted to bingeing, not bingeing and purging. not restricting. it is a total nightmare to say the least.
but i'm back, and hoping to beat the scale.

i missed everyone on this blog so much.