Monday, December 12, 2011

failure day...

I took some uppers today just to feel good. My boyfriend told me if i ever did drugs again that he would dump me. He noticed my elated mood but passed on it as simply some hypomania - which i still get even though i've been taking my mood drugs (or so he thinks. they make me feel stupid.)

Went to a party tonight (alcohol free, kid friendly) and ate a shitton, smoked too much. I don't know what has become of me anymore.

I am 130 pounds and hate it. My boyfriend is having problems getting his "member" up so i can't have any sex to relieve my stress. It makes me feel ugly - what is it about me that doesn't turn him on? He says he appreciates my body, but how can you appreciate something meant to be sexual if you aren't getting a motherfucking boner?

I'm tired... And depressed. I'm going to bed.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

I am officially back.. Promise.

Took a jaunty trip to the mental hospital back in october where they pumped me with food and pills, diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder, then went on their merry way. I went from 122 pounds (i was losing so well.) to 130.

Here we go again, all along this ridiculous merry go round....
I binged today.

My boyfriend and I have a lot of difficulty being apart. When I'm not with him, I binge and purge. When he's not with me, he drinks. We're destroying and hurting each other every moment we're on our own.

I hope all of you found your thanksgiving well. I found mine gone, disappearing right off the calendar. I stayed home and composed all day.