Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Off to the mall today!

I had a 380 breakfast - yuck! - and I am so excited to go shopping. All my clothes are a size too big and I think it looks gross, I can't wait to get some things that fit! (even though i don't like snug clothes - they make me feel like I've gained weight).
Shopping for 5 hours is, ladies, a great way to burn the 380 calories i just ate this morning. I'm so psyched.
My sister's home from college right now and she requested my mom's homemade lasagna. GAG. My best friend is spending the night, though, and we're going to have such a jolly time. Hopefully I won't wake up tomorrow with a stomach the size of Texas. I'll probably get away with only eating half of what is served to me - the other half I'll spit into my napkin, feed to the dog, etc.

Sometimes I wish I could just eat as much homemade lasagna that I want, but who wants to feel fat?

Sasha Roe

Monday, December 28, 2009

sometimes I feel like if I die and leave this earth, I'll leave nothing behind because there is nothing left in me. nothing left, except a shadow of who I was before anorexia came and consumed me. I AM ANOREXIA NOW. I can feel it when I walk, when I take a bite of anything, when I hug a friend and feel the fat on my hips. I can feel it when there is no fat on my hips. I can feel it when I sleep at night, and I'm trying not to feel my swollen and fat stomach under the covers.

I can feel it when I'm coming off a caffeine high, and I'm driving and get lightheaded. I can feel it when I don't look my parents in the eye, when I snap at my sister, scoff at a friend. I can feel it enter me, consume me, take the calcium from my bones. I can feel it when I faint. I can feel it when I try to sing in choir but I"m so exhausted I can barely breathe.

All to look beautiful. Sometimes I ask myself why I'm doing it. I hate myself for breaking my stepmother's heart. My beautiful stepmother, who took the place of my dead mother so well for so long. And my father, trying to shield me from myself, as if he can do something.

I scare myself so easily. But then I look in the mirror and know. I know why I do this. I do this to feel good about myself. I do this to feel appreciated and loved by worried family and friends. I do it so I can stretch my limits, to give myself something to live for. Nothing else is worth it. Everything I hold dear is gone, blown away. Nothing else matters but the Eating Disorder and Me.

I'm sorry for posting three times in one day, but I had to express how I felt. I'll skip my post tomorrow to make up for it.




Guess who is 111.6 pounds? The weight just tumbled off, ladies and gentlemen! TUMBLED OFF!

I'm not happy though. I'm still not happy.

Off to get ready for my busy day.

Day 2: The saga continues

Or, not a saga. I don't really feel very epic right now, I have absolutely no energy. it's 8:30 AM and I haven't even cracked open a Diet to get me awake and out of some sluggish dream state.

Yesterday went like this:

2 rolls
1 pear

TOTAL: 250

2 slices of pizza w/ all toppings scraped off - thin crust.

TOTAL: 300

I know I should have had only one, but I knew that if I had 2 "whole slices of pizza" (they think I ate the toppings) I could get away with not eating dinner. So I did this, and I sat far away from my parents so they couldn't see what I was actually eating. My cousins are clueless - they just think I don't like cheese. HA!

1 tbsp fat free dressing


SO that's only 600 calories, then throw in a White Chocolate Lindor truffle. I know I swore never to eat one again, but I've realized if I eat one every night and eliminate something I eat in secret, mom and dad will be a lot happier because if I'm eating Truffles I must be better, right?

So, add 70 calories. 670 calories is really good!

Today I have a piano lesson at 10, I love piano, it is my absolute life. I woke up at 8:00 just for it, if you can believe it. Then, at 4, I'm going to a Godspell Production Board Meeting. I'm going to be the musical director of Godspell and I am SO EXCITED. But the amazing thing is the meeting is from 4 to 6:30, and we're all eating dinner at Johnny Rockets. Guess who won't be eating it? Muahaha. Then I'm seeing "Princess and the Frog" at 6:45, so I won't see my parents until about 9:10, I would say.

So I can eat a 300 cal breakfast this morning, a 200 cal whatever when I get home from piano, then nothing for the rest of the day until I come back home and eat a truffle. 570 calories!!

I love starving.

Sasha Roe

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Yesterday didn't go as planned.

FOR 12/26, I ate:

1 pear
1 bowl of oatmeal (instant).

TOTAL: 250

I wasn't planning on eating the oatmeal, and when I was microwaving it I just knew I would regret eating it, and I did. I wasn't even planning on eating breakfast at all, actually.



Bowl of Mexican soup

TOTAL: 335

So, I ate about... 650 calories. I was feeling really good about myself. And then, all of a sudden, I got this AWFUL craving for chocolate. My aunt sent our family over a bag of Lindor Truffles (they're evil, no joke). I finally caved and had one. one is a whopping 73 calories!!

Which put me up to 713. I'll never eat a Truffle again, no matter how decadent. I'd rather be thin than fat and gluttonous.

Today will hopefully be better, but I'm nervous because my family is meeting my other aunt and family over in some shit town 45 minutes south for some pizza. I'm horrified and scared because I don't know if I can eat that stuff. I won't eat it, but then mom and dad will notice, and they'll start to get suspicious. I hope that they have salads or something!

This morning i had two rolls and a pear, about 250 calories. After the salad, i'm thinking 300 calories total. Then, tonight for dinner, I'll have a 400 calorie leeway so I won't get fat but I can eat a little bit - it's hard having already "recovered" because everyone still stares at you when you eat. It gets exhausting.

I can weigh myself tomorrow when my parents leave for work though! I'm so excited! I hope I'm at 118 by then!

Sasha Roe

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Let me introduce myself.

I'm... Let's call me Sasha Roe. I'm not one to put my name on the internet, when i'm blogging about being anorexic. I'm a pro-ana girl who just "recovered". I'm 5'2, and 17 years old, but I'm a whopping 120 pounds due to the awful month of December. For inspiration, I decided to blog my food eaten for the day. I was so much prettier at 108 and I'm anxious to get to 100 pounds.

It was a merry fucking Christmas. I ate way too much. My mother is obsessed with what I eat ever since she found out in August that I've been starving myself. I'm supposed to be better but I'm not, obviously, because i'm ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY POUNDS. I swore never to hit the 120s again! I hate myself right now. I can't wait to lose it all!

I hope someone will join the ride, it's going to be so fun!

Sasha Roe