Sunday, May 2, 2010

kay real update (warning this might be depressing, sorry.)

i don't mean to be a downer or anything. but this is a post of self-discovery.
i am a lazy daughter. i don't CARE about my parents or my boyfriend or my family and friends enough to get better. recovery is too difficult, i don't want to do it, i've been fighting it for about 2months.
and it's 90 dollars a session for my counseling. and like 30 a session for my nutritionist. and all i do is lie to them both and say i'm fine, or i'm getting better, i'm good now, i'm recovered, no i'm not purging, no i'm not restricting.
and i don't care enough that they're spending about 400 dollars a month on my recovery. i should care. it should be some sort of motivation, but it's NOT. my parents don't even have retirement money and they're throwing it all away on something that isn't going to happen.
now, part of me DOES care. part of me wants to tell them "i don't want to get better and you might as well stop paying for this because it's useless" but i am way too scared.
so i'm just going to have to keep going, keep going, forever and ever while my brain is sick and i'm just wallowing in it. see? lazy.
i don't LIKE hating myself. i HATE hating myself. it's the worst feeling in the world. but i don't bother trying to get better anymore because it seems so futile, so impossible.

technically, i WAS "recovered" for a while. i ate normally for about a month. but then i started bingeing. and then came the purging. recovered restrictor, and newfound bulimic. now i'm back at the restriction.

i burned 450 cals at the gym this morning (yay me!!) and i have eaten an apple. that's it.

but still. i mean honestly, why would i want to look like everyone else? ew.

xxxxxx i love you guys!

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