on death and dying.

i am going to die from this. it just hit me about ten minutes ago. my love affair with ED will eventually kill me. it might take a year, it may take fifty years, but i am going to die from this. honestly i don't care. i am back to restricting like mad and the idea of dying to me isn't scary, it just sounds like a great relief. i will just not exist. my soul will be extinguished and i'll be gone from the earth. that is how i feel right now.
if it kills me, i do NOT care. death isn't a motivator to get healthy, it's just a very tiny con on my pro-con list for doing this.
i love starving. there you go. no more bingeing and purging for me. there's no control in that - it's all impulse, all misery and not really knowing exactlly how many calories are going out and in your body. restricting is beautiful - all hard lines, no ifs ands or buts.

i'm not sad, just a bit crazy.

i love you all.

xx
Sasha