i hate, HATE my eating disorder. bulimia is ruining my life. it's taking over parts that i need to succeed in life.
last night i didn't go to a vacation bible school mandatory meeting for the volunteering i was going to do (VBS is a program that churches have for little kids, they have fun and the older kids sit around and help them make crafts and stuff.). so now i'm not volunteering this week, or next week. i didn't go because iw as TOO FUCKING DEPRESSED about my weight.
i am so stupid and selfish.
tonight i'm supposed to be teaching an entire song to a group of kids and i can't, because i just binged and then took laxatives. i will now be crying and screaming over the toilet bowl (sorry if that's TMI) as they don't get to learn the song and the whole show goes awry because of me.
i don't want to be here anymore. i'm tired of bingeing and purgeing. i want to stop. i hate how sick i am. i hate how this morning i got onthe scale and it read "115.6" and i hated myself so much i was seriously considering suicide. and i hate how after this little episode i go and eat because...well..what's the POINT if i'm not LOSING ANYTHING?
and the cycle continues.
sunday my parents are leaving. from this sunday to june 30 i will not eat. and i will not weigh either, because apparently that makes me give up way too easily.
i will not eat. i swear to you.
i can't look at myself in the mirror. i can't look at anyone in the eye. i'm a dirty miserable mess.
why would anyone want to have an eating disorder? WHY? it does nothing. nothing at all.
it's ruined my life, it's ruined my relationships.
i hope nobody ever goes through what i'm going through right now.
that's it. the end. everyone please stay away from eating disorders, they kill you inside.