Monday, June 14, 2010

wow, here we go again.

i hate, HATE my eating disorder. bulimia is ruining my life. it's taking over parts that i need to succeed in life.
last night i didn't go to a vacation bible school mandatory meeting for the volunteering i was going to do (VBS is a program that churches have for little kids, they have fun and the older kids sit around and help them make crafts and stuff.). so now i'm not volunteering this week, or next week. i didn't go because iw as TOO FUCKING DEPRESSED about my weight.
i am so stupid and selfish.
tonight i'm supposed to be teaching an entire song to a group of kids and i can't, because i just binged and then took laxatives. i will now be crying and screaming over the toilet bowl (sorry if that's TMI) as they don't get to learn the song and the whole show goes awry because of me.

i don't want to be here anymore. i'm tired of bingeing and purgeing. i want to stop. i hate how sick i am. i hate how this morning i got onthe scale and it read "115.6" and i hated myself so much i was seriously considering suicide. and i hate how after this little episode i go and eat because...well..what's the POINT if i'm not LOSING ANYTHING?
and the cycle continues.

sunday my parents are leaving. from this sunday to june 30 i will not eat. and i will not weigh either, because apparently that makes me give up way too easily.
i will not eat. i swear to you.


i can't look at myself in the mirror. i can't look at anyone in the eye. i'm a dirty miserable mess.
why would anyone want to have an eating disorder? WHY? it does nothing. nothing at all.
it's ruined my life, it's ruined my relationships.
i hope nobody ever goes through what i'm going through right now.

that's it. the end. everyone please stay away from eating disorders, they kill you inside.


A@ Please Don't Eat Me! said...

it does ruin your life. girl, im pushing 30 and not a day goes by that i dont think about it, have doubts about myself, we can put it on the back burner but its always there whispering in your ear about it.. it sucks i know : (
one thing that helps me is that i know that that voice is NOT what im supposed to be hearing. every time you fight one battle and you win, thats your victory over ED. doesnt matter if its ONLY eating something you are scared of, or NOT jumping on the treadmill for four hours one day when you really want to. it could be looking at yourself in the mirror and saying, I LOOK GOOD TODAY. every day is a new day..

laxatives.. most awful thing.. honestly, id rather hear you say you ran a marathon instead, they mess up your whole digestive system and pave the way for other problems, like Lazy Bowel Syndrome (where you CANT EVER go w/out them..) eating a normal meal messes it up when you take them.. gross.. nasty.. toss them out girl!!!!

A@ Please Don't Eat Me! said...

heyy.. to answer your question about recovery.. i'm honestly always in recovery- but by myself. i haven't sought any professional treatment beyond going to therapy when i was 18. ten years ago.. my struggle started with low self esteem, parents who took their anger out on us kids and not each other (where it belonged). i never felt worth anything despite going to church every Sunday and singing about how much God loved me.. fast forward to my senior year and i learned quickly that the skinny girls got all the attention and the boys.. and i craved that attention, i was always "thin with a side of chubby" but i got myself down from a 7/8 to a 1/2 pretty quickly. it was never enough, the parties, the boys, the drinking, the working out.. abusing my body.. i woke up one day pregnant. i forced myself to get healthy for Livvy but as soon as she was born, it was diet pills, laxatives, repeat..
and the cycle just keeps going. in times of stress it's the only thing i have under control. when im sad, i torture myself with food and restricting- because id rather feel hunger than sorrow. when my fiance left, it started again. i hate feeling like this, but at the same time.. it's the only thing i know. i know in my heart its wrong to live with the fear of gaining weight and being free of the restrictions i put on myself. and there are days when the number on the scale doesnt matter. then i have a bad day and its like damn, if i wasnt a freakin cow.. this wouldnt be happening. how often do you think that? shouldnt we know everyday we are special, even if we weigh 115 instead of 100- what do those 15 pounds bring us? so a very LONG WINDED answer to your short question- its a struggle. but when i see other people in my shoes, my heart aches. thats why i try and keep my posts positive and inspiring, because every day is a battle, and if we win one day.. we are a success.. : )
sorry i blabbed girlie.. lol