okay. i have some new ideas, new plans, new motivations, new feelings.
1. i need to feel okay. i need to feel like even if i eat, i am still pretty. some might call feeling ugly complete motivation to starve, but for me it causes binge purge sessions. it is not okay. i am going to reassure myself every day that i'm pretty, and i'm making weight loss progress.
2. i need to not binge and purge anymore. i do need control in my life. 1,000 calories per day. no more. and i'm going to run daily, but not in a purgeing sort of way. i am going to do it for speed, endurance, and distance.
3. i am going to be more creative. i am going to start writing my poetry again. my english teacher told me about how talented i am and of course i'm too shy and my self esteem is too low for me to show anyone else. but i can do it for me, and only me, and i'm okay with this.
4. no more substance abuse. i don't do it very often but i do it when i'm absolutely miserable, beyond all repair. that will be fixed. tonight is the last night. adieu, pills. they're bad for me.
5. no more caffeine abuse either. usually i have about 2 mugs of coffee in the morning and 2 large mcdonalds sized cups of diet coke. it makes me lightheaded and makes me eat, not good not good!! i can only have it as a treat on weekends. (tea is not included in this)
6. on June 20 i am going to do the http://hungryforchange.blogspot.com fast. for ten days. i am going to detox and flush out every binge system in my body. this fast will be my protest to closed off relationships. my whole life i have pushed myself away from people for fear of getting close to them (i have pretty bad abandonment issues. it's not good and part of the reason i B/P and starve). during these ten days i will not shut myself off from my boyfriend or friends and family. i will be loving, charitable, and sincere in my efforts.
i hope this all works. i need to love myself, i need to feel okay, i need to feel pretty. i need to let myself love others and be loved by others.
i love you all terribly.