I ate today. More than enough. This is what I had:
shredded wheat (original) with fat free milk: 220 calories
1 egg+1 egg white: 85 calories "cutting out the yolk helps...right?"
Snickers Almond: 230 calories "DON'T EAT THAT YOU STUPID FAT COW WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING?"
turkey on wheat with mustard: 240 calories
orange: 120 calories
6 club crackers: 105 calories
chocolate & oats fiber one bar: 140 calories "You idiot. your stomach will never stop growing. look at those rolls. how will anyone want you looking like THAT?"
1/2 c. spaghetti: 350 calories "Ground beef? whore."
2 slices whole grain bread: 320 calories "arteries are exploding. exploding. you don't deserve to have an eating disorder."
TOTAL CALORIES CONSUMED: 1815
all day i was eating. thinking "No.. I need to get better. I need to recover. This is ridiculous." and I would feel the sudden compulsion to just eat everything in sight. I bought the snickers bar and afterward felt totally disgusted with myself. WHY couldn't i control my craving? aren't i supposed to be the one with all the control? and even thinking and obsessing over the food was just making me disgusted. but then i'd either eat, or start obsessing and fantasizing about being the thinnest of them all. and i'd be okay with it.
sometimes i'm just tired of being obsessed with food in general.
why can't i just eat like a normal person and always have to binge or starve?
i hate it. i hate it so much today it's not even funny.
and it's so weird, because i'm so unwilling to give it up.