I am tired of getting better.

I'm 114 pounds or so (going on 115). I'm tired of not having a gap between my legs. I'm sick of the fat on my hips, those horrible feminine curves that guys just want to GROPE. I miss being alone and miserable (shocker), and able to starve. I can't starve for my life anymore for some reason, it's like the eating disorder was just sucked out of me and I cant find it. I feel like i will never stop gaining weight - the number will never stay put the way I want it to.

I'm tired of having these gross rolls on my ass - i feel filthy and every time I eat all i can feel is the gross warmth of those fat layers on my belly. It's so gross. I just want to die. On my way home tonight from a party I was considering just getting into a car accident so I would have an excuse to bail on life. But i won't, I can't. Because anorexia has left me...

I'm going to find it again, I have to, for sanity and happiness' sake.