Quick update:

I have been way too busy to update, but let's just say that recovery is a BITCH.

I've three times already decided to quit eating again, but mom and dad are too smart. It's funny... I feel like i need to eat so much more than I should now that i'm eating 1500 calories a day. It's like I can either binge or starve but can't do anything in between. (I've actually controlled all my food intake rather well, not going over 1600, but it's pretty tough).

Today one of my friends really offended me. There's this girl in my English class that I'm fairly certain is bulimic because she packs tons of food in during class then goes to the bathroom afterward. I'm tolerant of eating disorders (OBVIOUSLY) and I mentioned to a friend that I think she might be bulimic. He just tells me that because I fucked my metabolism up by starving myself I'm jealous that I can't eat that much food without getting fat. I was so pissed that I left and started crying in my stats class.

So today was a bitch. But honestly, I am actually liking the idea of getting my life back, being free of the scale...

I hope you all are doing well on your weight loss<3 I wish i could join you guys.

xx
Sasha Roe.

Recovery: Day 1

picture of me going to formal. just showing you all what i look like when i'm smiling.

Breakfast:
.5 cups oatmeal
1 cup 2% milk (i'm having mom get skim when this fat filled shit is gone)
25 almonds
calories: 450

Lunch:
1 large apple
1 sandwich (whole wheat bun, ham)
1 babybel cheese
fruit cup

calories: 400

Snack:
2.5 cups salad w/ vinaigrette

calories: 40

Eating is pretty hard, not going to lie. But something just hit me today. I realised that I think that if I'm not thinner than everyone else, nobody will love me or respect me. Why on earth do i think that? I have no idea, because nobody's ever done something to make me think that. In fact, I had more friends AND a boyfriend when I was 130 pounds. (as in, when I was fat.)
We're eating pizza tonight - ack! - but since i've had all my dairy servings today i'm going to ask mom to keep the cheese off of my slice. I think she'll be okay with it.

But I've decided these five rules are what I'm going to try to live by:


1. Eat when I'm hungry
2. Don't eat when I'm not hungry (NO BINGEING)
3. Eat 5 servings of grain a day, and 3 servings of protein a day
4. Avoid mirrors like the plague when I'm not in the bathroom
5. Try to remember I'm beautiful...


Now, I already feel like a fat cow for eating all that food and it's pouring rain outside. Don't get me wrong - i'm actually in a pretty bad mood.
If I can't get better, I'll be sent to Arizona for an inpatient center for about 6 months. Hopefully that doesn't have to happen. I don't want to have to leave California.
I love you all.

xx


Sasha Roe

so i'm officially recovering.

i had a 3500 calorie binge last night - totally freaked out because i felt like i was going to have a heart attack and woke mom and dad up and told them everything. it was about 1 in the morning. of course, this morning i regretted telling them and i was ashamed at myself for getting frightened. but they're getting me help...

i think this actually might not be that bad.

i binged again tonight, just because...well i don't know why. but i finally decided i am not going to act like that anymore, i'm not going to let myself lose control like that. i need to get better, to resolve.... i've lost 16 pounds and i'll be gaining about 4 of them back but i don't really mind i don't think.

i just want to be happy again.

i'm taking a year off college and going to get into massage therapy school, come out with a credential, and i think i'm excited.

but yeah. i'm starting to have to eat 1500 calories a day... it'll be really tough. will you guys hang in there with me?

xx
Sasha Roe

weight results.

I've lost exactly .9 pounds this week. i'm 107.6 now. and i worked HARD for that 107.6. my body is officially fighting against me and ana.

xx
Sasha Roe

they are about to weigh me

and i am so scared. well, i'm not getting weighed by them right NOW, but mom just looked at me today and said "do you know how much you weigh?"

i said no, just shrugged and said i didn't really care anymore. then she says "we need to get you back onto the scale."

okay, i haven't been weighed by her in a month. i'm so freaked out. if she makes me get on the scale in front of her all this progress and work will be lost and who knows where they will send me... i'm not allowed to go under 113 ( a disgusting weight, must i add) and i'm at least 5 pounds under. i'm weighing myself tomorrow when i'm home alone and oh god i hope she doesn't think about weighing me again. let it not cross her mind.

i'm here for you girls!

xx
Sasha Roe

i'm such a fat@$$

so today i just feel extremely bloated and fat. I had a non-fat 12 oz latte, two diet cokes (16 oz cup), and about 8 glasses of water.

then an orange, a couple almonds, 2 red vines, and a chipotle salad bowl (200 cals for the bowl, about 100 for the red vines and almonds, about 100 for the orange). then i had some brussel sprouts (50 calories).

about 550 calories for the day then. but i feel like i ate 10,000. i just feel huge and i look huge and i'm tired of having any fat on my body at all. i have about a two inch gap in between my thighs (at the fattest hip area) but for some reason i see nothing but thunder thighs.

huge huge huge, fat fat fat. i really and sincerely hate myself now. i used to know in my head i was thin, but i was just dissatisfied. i've officially moved over to the "i sincerely know i'm fat" stage of my anorexia. good because i'm more motivated than ever, but bad because i hate myself more than ever.

you can't have your cake and eat it too.

i'm very tired, and very depressed right now, and tired of being depressed.

just logged on to update for you guys!



xx
Sasha Roe

PS. doesn't nicole richie just look amazing?

3 failures today.

so last night's craving for ice cream wasn't appeased, and i'm pretty damn proud of myself for that. but today was a serious disaster. my mother woke me up at 9.30 for a "family breakfast" which included biscuits and gravy, eggs (whole eggs, yolk and all), and sausage. ICK. I got away with having oatmeal (160 calories). but i'm upset because i didn't want to eat anything at all this morning. wasn't even hungry.

so that's failure #1.

failure #2: i went out to lunch today with my old best friend, and without thinking i ordered a 450 calorie meal. i had to eat all of it too - i didn't want her to get suspicious. so I ate like 650 calories today, (i always add 40 to be safe) and tonight mom's making meatloaf and mashed potatoes.

one serving of the meatloaf is 260 calories! UGH! and the mashed potatoes are like 300 a serving. i'll get away with only a tiny bit of mashed potatoes probably, and one piece of meatloaf.

i hate this so much. i'm so tired of them ruining my progress.

however, i can fast until dinner tomorrow so that's good! i don't think i'll be under 107 by Wednesday though. I"m pretty sure i'll be still at 108.5 (i'll probably be more, with the way everyone is feeding me).

what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. can't forget that.

thinspiration

I'm craving some ice cream really badly right now. And I can't eat it because I have this serious inability to make myself hurl it back up.

So to distract myself I'm posting a bunch of thinspiration.

Enjoy!

xx

Sasha Roe

Update/A Little Biography

so, i'm 108.5 today.... back down, which is good, but i'm still way disappointed that i'm not under 108 yet =( I was hoping to be at least 107.9 today.

i cracked and ate cake and ice cream last night. i was so scared of my parents that i forced myself - i didn't want them freaking out on me, i hate it when they do that.

i just had an apple for breakfast today (100 calories!) and i'm skipping lunch and dinner will be questionable, because I see that my parents are taking my sister out for her birthday and thus i will be left alone, which means i don't have to eat!
so it balances out the cake and ice cream. god i feel fat.

I decided I love you all so much I might as well tell you who I am!

I have one blood sister, who is 20 and a junior at college. We are joined at the hip, but that doesn't mean she doesn't walk all over me. As in.. She walks all over me, and I let her. (Which I've been working on actually). We look like twins, only I'm about 30 pounds less than her.

My real mom died when I was 4. She had a lot of heart problems because my grandma was drinking during the pregnancy. I look a lot like her, they all say, but I definitely would say the death fucked me in the head and I've never been quite right since.

My dad is 48 and one of the strongest people I know. Always assured and stable. Sometimes too much. When my real mom died the most logical thing to do was get married, so he remarried in 10 months. We have a lot of problems stemming from my mom - i was extremely attached to her as a child and when she died I resented my father. I've never gotten over hating him, so I still do now.

My stepmom is amazing, beautiful, patient, and sweet. I love her to the death. I don't have an evil stepmother problem at all, thank goodness. I don't even call her stepmom - every time I refence to my "mom" on here it's her.

My stepmom had two kids before she met my dad. My stepbrother is 20, and my stepsister just turned 18. I was raised with them, so I'd say we don't act at all like we are unfamiliar with each other.

I was raised a very strong Christian. I was really passionate about God and I actually wanted to be a missionary for most of my life in South Africa. But then I met Ana, and I realized in about October that I can't really be what Christians are (active members of God's people, who try their best to please Him because He loves us so much) and also be Anorexic. Obviously you know the route I took.

I took it, and I am not going to lie - I miss God more than anything in this world. He was my anchor whenever something went wrong. Now that everything is going wrong, I reject him repeatedly because I'm turning to Ana. But i just LOVE seeing my body shrink!

I'm hoping to be in college in 6 months and getting a degree in Music Composition. My passion is classical music, it just comes from my heart and lays out inside the music, floating around my head. I love it more than anything. I hope someday to be a composer for movies.

now you know more about me. Sorry it was so long.
xx
Sasha Roe

real update time/inspiration:

hey all! Today's my sister's 18th birthday. Good for her, bad for me. BECAUSE we're having funfetti cake tonight. if there is anything that makes me want to die of fear, it's facing a slice of cake that i have to eat like i'm enjoying myself in front of my mom and dad. anyone else ever feel threatened when they're facing fatty food?

however, I resisted the temptation today to buy candy... it was everywhere at school today, kids that are part of clubs are currently fundraising. so i've had this to eat:

a handful of carrots,

an apple,

small bowl of cheerios.

i would have skipped the cheerios but mom was in the kitchen ALL MORNING so i had to eat something more than just an apple. i'm eating the carrots right now with a 44 oz diet dr. pepper. love the stuff, really boosts your mood.

recently, these are new habits i find have helped me lose weight:

1. i chew sugarfree gum constantly. it takes 30 minutes for the chewing to burn off the 5 calories you are consuming, so you're not actually inhaling calories and it makes you chew it for 30 minutes so you can burn it off appropriately. thus, you don't eat! it also helps me concentrate.

2. i snap a rubber band on my wrist whenever i'm around food and smell it. it makes me after a while shy away from food because it hurts after a while.

3. i drink caffeine constantly. it keeps me from getting lightheaded and woozy and my mood improves.

4. i drink about 10 16-oz glasses of water every day to keep the caffeine from dehydrating me. keeps my skin nice too!

tonight my mother is making some sausage chicken noodle pasta shit. UGH. hopefully it doesn't ruin me. today's not a good eating day.

she knows i HATE red meat, but she just doesn't care.

xx

Sasha Roe

= (

Weighed in this morning at 110.4. Thought it was a mistake, but I did it four times. Yup. there it was. I was sooo upset.
But then I realised I hadn't gone to the restroom since sunday, and so all the food from the past 4 days has been in my body. So I expelled that, and I haven't weighed myself again to see the real accurate number (you can lose up to 3 pounds using the bathroom, no joke).

Hopefully it was a fluke.

Stuff happened but I'll have to tell tomorrow! I gotta run NOW.

weight loss link for all of you!!

so today i've had about 40 oz. of diet green tea by Arizona. Right now at Vons (for all you Vons grocery store goers) they are being sold for 1 dollar each to all Vons club members! I am thus only spending 1 dollar a day on my lunches, which is great. the green tea boosts your metabolism and there's ginseng added - double whammy fat burning right there!

this morning I had a bowl of cheerios (very, very little milk. enough to wet them barely) and a banana for breakfast. I broke and had a tootsie pop during lunch =( I had to admit it, i need to stay accountable.

mom baked chocolate chip cookies and I do NOT want those going to my thighs. i'd rather be thinner tomorrow when I weigh in than have one and not lose anything.

here's a great link for getting inspired to lose weight on WomensHealthMagazine.com:

http://www.womenshealthmag.com/weight-loss/lose-weight-and-keep-it-off-0?cm_mmc=Newsletter-_-2010_Jan_12-_-Dose-_-readon

it has 13 ways, and most of them are amazing!

when I weigh in tomorrow I hope i'm under 108(.6) pounds!!

I'll let you know, loves<3

xx
Sasha Roe

P.S. I suggest going on womenshealthmag.com and signing up for newsletters - they get your mind off bingeing and keep you on track!! i do it also for self.com and shape.com.
it's really fun getting them in your e-mail. Like mini inspirations.

My body is thinning out!

I'm excited. There are nuances in my body I haven't felt in so long. My hip bones are officially sticking out on their own, and my shoulders are losing all the fat so it's just bone right there too. My ribs have always stuck out, but they're becoming more prominent. There is a HUGE space in between my legs and that's where you see the weight loss the most.

It's really hard to cover up - my parents haven't weighed me since Christmas (3 weeks!) but I'm scared I'm not layering enough. No matter what I do there is a huge gap between my legs that just continues to widen and I hope they don't notice it!

Mom's home; I better get off.

So long, lovelies.

xx
Sasha Roe.

I weighed in at 108.6 this morning. You know, anorexia is like playing a game like solitaire where you're always trying to beat your highest score. And every time you get lower, it's nothing but another goal to get even thinner. Anyone else feel the same?
I can't wait till my next weigh in on Wednesday! I'll hopefully be 107.9 or 108.0.

I'll post more later tonight.

much love to the girls that get me,
xx
Sasha Roe

Weigh in update!!

I weighed in this morning at 109.3 pounds. Congratulations, me! I'm actually a bit ahead of schedule - I wasn't expecting to go below 109.5 until saturday! Then lose a pound and a half by wednesday. I had it all planned.

I surprise myself =)

I don't want to get too thin too fast though - mom will notice. So this morning I forced myself to have a piece of fudge with my oatmeal (like a 350 cal total breakfast then sadly).

I've been sick for about a week but yesterday I had to come home from AP English. I was starting to get nauseous on top of my head cold - I just went home.
I am homeagain today but feeling better - the congestion isn't nearly as bad.

Tomorrow is my formal, and my best friend asked me! We're going to look amazing, we are. He's blond and I'm brunette so in the pictures we'll contrast nicely. We're going to Macaroni Grill for dinner **scream** so I'm not sure how I'll maneuver in THAT. But i'll think of something.

I love you so much!

xx
Sasha Roe

I've eaten a lot today, and I don't even CARE.

anyone else EVER have those days?
(i'm sure I'll freak out tomorrow morning)

weighed in today...

and i'm only 110.4 pounds. talk about discouraging. I haven't stepped over 600 these past THREE DAYS! and i've been working out! What is the deal?

any tips/inspiration you have? I'd like some right now, i'm really depressed. =(

xx
Sasha Roe

skinny tips.

1. drink 4 cups of coffee in the morning, with only 1 packet of fake sweetener. gets your metabolism like CRAZY.
2. sleep in, forget to eat.
3. brush your teeth every time you crave something
4. every time you get hungry, think of how good it feels. even if it doesn't feel good.
5. spit your dinner into a napkin when you're "coughing" so nobody suspects anything
6. make sure 100 of your calories is 70% dark chocolate every day to keep your cravings in check and your heart healthy
7. be sure to eat the chocolate in front of other people so they can relax about your eating habits.
8. run errands around dinner time.
9. eat naked. it works - you're too disgusted to put one bite into your mouth.
10. promise to treat yourself to a pedicure ONLY if you go the whole day without eating anything.
11. when you eat, suck on the food, don't swallow it. it lasts longer and people think you eat more because it takes more time.

thinspiration for 2010:

Uggggh, this totally sucks.

I woke up today feeling like somebody stuck a swab of cotton down my throat AND up my sinuses. I can barely swallow, and I really regret not taking some NyQuil last night to help get to sleep. But come on, NyQuil is like...93 calories for TWO TABLESPOONS. I can't drink THAT! I'll blow up like a fucking balloon at the Macy's parade!

So I woke up at 9, feeling like (pardon my french) complete shit. But I had to get up because I had a piano lesson at 10, which was cancelled, so I got up for nothing. Here is my to-do list:

1. Do all my laundry (school is opening again on Monday... gag)

2. Learn at least 7 songs from Godspell so I know what I"m doing at rehearsals next week musically.

3. Dust Living Room/Dining Room

4. Vacuum everything

5. Deep clean my bathroom because it's disgusting

6. Put all the Christmas decorations away

7. Write a letter to my sister, who's going back to college tomorrow

8. Christmas Thank-You notes - get written and posted

9. Reply to my pen-pal's last letter (she's from Korea, random eh?)

So! There you have it. My wonderfully busy Saturday. I won't have time to even worry about food.

AND: I weighed in yesterday at 110.7 lbs! (that's 50.2 kg)

I've lost ten pounds in a week! Congratulations to Sasha. Obviously all the binging is doing no harm.

Love you all,

xx

Sasha Roe

This is a little romance in my life. (true story)

Thank god it's the New Year. Ugh. ALL WEEK i've been eating up to about 1500 calories a day. There are too many fucking Sees candies and Lindor chocolates and cookies. To make it worse, my mom bought me chocolate soy milk. Ok I love the stuff but right now I do NOT want to be drinking my calories! I'm getting gigantic!

Last night was amazing though. I have been in love with my ex for five years, we started dating a year and a month ago, and we broke up in February. I love him with all my heart. He spent the night last night (with other friends too) and we ended up sleeping next to each other. He thought I was asleep (I wasn't, duh) and started to stroke my hair. I seriously just almost wet myself because I was so happy. I snuggled onto his chest (it was involuntary - i had no choice, it felt like I was being pulled in magnetically) and he stroked my arm and we stayed like that for two hours. I could feel him stroking my ribs, and I was so proud that he could feel them. I knew he could, because they sorta stick out (it's the one thing I've always liked about my body). He kissed the top of my forehead and I just smiled till 5:30 AM.

He obviously is still in love with me. I'm so giddy. It was like that feeling when you drink four cups of coffee and nothing else, you get that flutter in your chest and you can't help but feel... Sexy, powerful, like you own the world.

I know, I'm so mushy, or dramatic. But you really don't understand how much I love him. He truly makes me feel like I'm worth something. The only thing besides anorexia.

The only thing that sucks is he thinks I was asleep during this whole episode, so he doesn't even know that I know we were snuggling all night. So that's kinda disappointing. But Honestly, i haven't been that happy in forever.

It was a wonderful way to ring in the new year. Of course, there was food galore here and I binged and ate like 20 red vines. Gag. And like 5 chocolates. But I made these resolutions:

1. Stop eating leftover Christmas candy. IT IS NOT OKAY.

2. Make out with my beautiful Ex Boyfriend and steal him forever

3. Kiss my mother every day - she needs it.

4. Boost my self esteem in more ways than just lose weight (Like start doing good deeds, get straight A's, etc.)

but wasn't New Years just great? Love you all,

xx

Sasha Roe