so, i'm 108.5 today.... back down, which is good, but i'm still way disappointed that i'm not under 108 yet =( I was hoping to be at least 107.9 today.
i cracked and ate cake and ice cream last night. i was so scared of my parents that i forced myself - i didn't want them freaking out on me, i hate it when they do that.
i just had an apple for breakfast today (100 calories!) and i'm skipping lunch and dinner will be questionable, because I see that my parents are taking my sister out for her birthday and thus i will be left alone, which means i don't have to eat!
so it balances out the cake and ice cream. god i feel fat.
I decided I love you all so much I might as well tell you who I am!
I have one blood sister, who is 20 and a junior at college. We are joined at the hip, but that doesn't mean she doesn't walk all over me. As in.. She walks all over me, and I let her. (Which I've been working on actually). We look like twins, only I'm about 30 pounds less than her.
My real mom died when I was 4. She had a lot of heart problems because my grandma was drinking during the pregnancy. I look a lot like her, they all say, but I definitely would say the death fucked me in the head and I've never been quite right since.
My dad is 48 and one of the strongest people I know. Always assured and stable. Sometimes too much. When my real mom died the most logical thing to do was get married, so he remarried in 10 months. We have a lot of problems stemming from my mom - i was extremely attached to her as a child and when she died I resented my father. I've never gotten over hating him, so I still do now.
My stepmom is amazing, beautiful, patient, and sweet. I love her to the death. I don't have an evil stepmother problem at all, thank goodness. I don't even call her stepmom - every time I refence to my "mom" on here it's her.
My stepmom had two kids before she met my dad. My stepbrother is 20, and my stepsister just turned 18. I was raised with them, so I'd say we don't act at all like we are unfamiliar with each other.
I was raised a very strong Christian. I was really passionate about God and I actually wanted to be a missionary for most of my life in South Africa. But then I met Ana, and I realized in about October that I can't really be what Christians are (active members of God's people, who try their best to please Him because He loves us so much) and also be Anorexic. Obviously you know the route I took.
I took it, and I am not going to lie - I miss God more than anything in this world. He was my anchor whenever something went wrong. Now that everything is going wrong, I reject him repeatedly because I'm turning to Ana. But i just LOVE seeing my body shrink!
I'm hoping to be in college in 6 months and getting a degree in Music Composition. My passion is classical music, it just comes from my heart and lays out inside the music, floating around my head. I love it more than anything. I hope someday to be a composer for movies.
now you know more about me. Sorry it was so long.