so i'm officially recovering.

i had a 3500 calorie binge last night - totally freaked out because i felt like i was going to have a heart attack and woke mom and dad up and told them everything. it was about 1 in the morning. of course, this morning i regretted telling them and i was ashamed at myself for getting frightened. but they're getting me help...

i think this actually might not be that bad.

i binged again tonight, just because...well i don't know why. but i finally decided i am not going to act like that anymore, i'm not going to let myself lose control like that. i need to get better, to resolve.... i've lost 16 pounds and i'll be gaining about 4 of them back but i don't really mind i don't think.

i just want to be happy again.

i'm taking a year off college and going to get into massage therapy school, come out with a credential, and i think i'm excited.

but yeah. i'm starting to have to eat 1500 calories a day... it'll be really tough. will you guys hang in there with me?

xx
Sasha Roe

Update/A Little Biography

so, i'm 108.5 today.... back down, which is good, but i'm still way disappointed that i'm not under 108 yet =( I was hoping to be at least 107.9 today.

i cracked and ate cake and ice cream last night. i was so scared of my parents that i forced myself - i didn't want them freaking out on me, i hate it when they do that.

i just had an apple for breakfast today (100 calories!) and i'm skipping lunch and dinner will be questionable, because I see that my parents are taking my sister out for her birthday and thus i will be left alone, which means i don't have to eat!
so it balances out the cake and ice cream. god i feel fat.

I decided I love you all so much I might as well tell you who I am!

I have one blood sister, who is 20 and a junior at college. We are joined at the hip, but that doesn't mean she doesn't walk all over me. As in.. She walks all over me, and I let her. (Which I've been working on actually). We look like twins, only I'm about 30 pounds less than her.

My real mom died when I was 4. She had a lot of heart problems because my grandma was drinking during the pregnancy. I look a lot like her, they all say, but I definitely would say the death fucked me in the head and I've never been quite right since.

My dad is 48 and one of the strongest people I know. Always assured and stable. Sometimes too much. When my real mom died the most logical thing to do was get married, so he remarried in 10 months. We have a lot of problems stemming from my mom - i was extremely attached to her as a child and when she died I resented my father. I've never gotten over hating him, so I still do now.

My stepmom is amazing, beautiful, patient, and sweet. I love her to the death. I don't have an evil stepmother problem at all, thank goodness. I don't even call her stepmom - every time I refence to my "mom" on here it's her.

My stepmom had two kids before she met my dad. My stepbrother is 20, and my stepsister just turned 18. I was raised with them, so I'd say we don't act at all like we are unfamiliar with each other.

I was raised a very strong Christian. I was really passionate about God and I actually wanted to be a missionary for most of my life in South Africa. But then I met Ana, and I realized in about October that I can't really be what Christians are (active members of God's people, who try their best to please Him because He loves us so much) and also be Anorexic. Obviously you know the route I took.

I took it, and I am not going to lie - I miss God more than anything in this world. He was my anchor whenever something went wrong. Now that everything is going wrong, I reject him repeatedly because I'm turning to Ana. But i just LOVE seeing my body shrink!

I'm hoping to be in college in 6 months and getting a degree in Music Composition. My passion is classical music, it just comes from my heart and lays out inside the music, floating around my head. I love it more than anything. I hope someday to be a composer for movies.

now you know more about me. Sorry it was so long.
xx
Sasha Roe

real update time/inspiration:

hey all! Today's my sister's 18th birthday. Good for her, bad for me. BECAUSE we're having funfetti cake tonight. if there is anything that makes me want to die of fear, it's facing a slice of cake that i have to eat like i'm enjoying myself in front of my mom and dad. anyone else ever feel threatened when they're facing fatty food?

however, I resisted the temptation today to buy candy... it was everywhere at school today, kids that are part of clubs are currently fundraising. so i've had this to eat:

a handful of carrots,

an apple,

small bowl of cheerios.

i would have skipped the cheerios but mom was in the kitchen ALL MORNING so i had to eat something more than just an apple. i'm eating the carrots right now with a 44 oz diet dr. pepper. love the stuff, really boosts your mood.

recently, these are new habits i find have helped me lose weight:

1. i chew sugarfree gum constantly. it takes 30 minutes for the chewing to burn off the 5 calories you are consuming, so you're not actually inhaling calories and it makes you chew it for 30 minutes so you can burn it off appropriately. thus, you don't eat! it also helps me concentrate.

2. i snap a rubber band on my wrist whenever i'm around food and smell it. it makes me after a while shy away from food because it hurts after a while.

3. i drink caffeine constantly. it keeps me from getting lightheaded and woozy and my mood improves.

4. i drink about 10 16-oz glasses of water every day to keep the caffeine from dehydrating me. keeps my skin nice too!

tonight my mother is making some sausage chicken noodle pasta shit. UGH. hopefully it doesn't ruin me. today's not a good eating day.

she knows i HATE red meat, but she just doesn't care.

xx

Sasha Roe