bingeing today, all day.

i don't even care. i'm not even going to bother purging. i'm just going ot eat and eat and eat and then this weekend i'll fast until i just don't exist.

new plan!

+stop drinking ex large diet cokes every day. the teeth are turning a gross color.
+only 2 cups of coffee in the morning - no more!
+no more than 800 calories per day
+burn at least 400 calories a day working out at the gym
+drink 5 16 oz bottles of water every day
+update at least 2 times per week
+do homework EVERY DAY.
+stop bingeing and purging - your stomach WILL SHOW IT.
+practice piano 1 hour a day (eating and not eating always makes me "busy")
+do this for 7 days without cracking under the pressure.



the last one will be slightly difficult, but i can do it.

OMG I HAVE MISSED YOU.

i have been gone way too long :( i am sooo sorry. our computer stopped working and i have no other way of doing the blogging thing.

i haven't fucked mia... i have had a couple days of starving but i am still purging daily. oh well. the one thing i'm worried about is that it's starting to affect my voice (singing) and i am a really good soprano (not meaning to show off, it's simply fact) so i am really worried.

school is a big shithole i hate it. my mom is forcing me to make up ALL my missing work, and it's really irritating my senioritis - i caught it BAD.

i got a new babysitting job for Saturday! if i haven't told you, i'm going to Ithaca, NY this summer for music camp for ten days and i'm trying to raise money for a plane ticket home (yay!). and so i'll have 100 dollars raised after the weekend is over!

prom was pretty amazing. but...he and i got kicked off the dance floor for being inappropriate. WHAT? he gave me a KISS and we got kicked off! it was pretty stupid. but whatever.

the picture uploaded of my dress will be deleted in about 2 weeks. i don't want anyone finding this blog - it's way to scary to even think about! ugh. it's a pretty bad angled picture, and it makes me look HUGE. i am thinner than that...i swear :(

oh well.

i have missed you guys so much. you have no idea. i'm off to go comment your posts. much love!

xxxxx

today is fucking AWESOME.

gym at 4:30.

elliptical: 20 minutes: 250 calories
bike: 20 minutes: estimated 150 calories
treadmill: 10 minutes: 60 calories
stairmaster: 10 minutes: 60 calories
strength training: 30 minutes: probably 100 to 150 calories


burn estimate: about 620 calories. it's probably more but i didn't keep good track of what i was doing.
i feel awesome though.

i DID eat sadly :( but restricting kinda came naturally this morning.

i've eaten 150 calories. and i'm on my second mug of BLACK coffee.

skipping lunch today and not eating again until probably about seven:)

i'm going to Disneyland tomorrow (YAY!) with my choir for a festival, so i won't be back until midnight Friday. you know what this means? this means i can restrict for 2 days straight!!

aaaahhh my heart is leaping with joy right now :):):):)
i think i'm back to restricting because i simply told myself that it's safer than puking all the time. which is true in a way because my esophagus is mega-hurting. so i just woke up...and... poof!!... all of a sudden i was just like "fuck bulimia, let's get it going anorexia!"

so yeah.

i'm pretty happy right now. if you didn't notice.

and i love my boyfriend, just saying.

AND i love you guys too. i love love love getting your comments<3333

xx
Sasha Roe

a REAL update this time.

yesterday was bad. really really bad.

i had a panic attack for about the entire day - a very subtle one. but my pulse was racing like crazy and i couldn't breathe and i was extremely extremely anxious. i really thought something bad was going to happen, like someone was going to do something to hurt me (emotionally, not physically).

in my panic i rearranged the entire kitchen. everything is facing forward, even the lids, and all of it is alphabetized. it took me an hour.
after that hour i was feeling bad again (it helped calm me down a bit, but afterward i always feel the same) and i was crying and upset and my boyfriend asked me if i wanted to come over, i said yes sure but never left because i was in such a bad state. an hour later he texted me asking where i was. i showed up at his house and he wasn't even THERE, he was at target with his sister. i just hung out wth his dad though, which wasn't bad. got home and made dinner (greek salad) and ate a lot because i thought i'd be able to go to the gym.

the gym closes at 8. i couldn't go. i was so pissed i binged on chocolate and threw it all up.

i feel shitty this morning, but i'm going to go get more caffeine to keep my spirits up.

i hope your sunday was better than mine!!

xx
Sasha.



ps.on the bright side, i'm getting thinner! My weight's not going down though :/

:)

i am going to pe posting prom dress pictures soon i PROMISE! just wait for me to get my tan okay :)

this weekend was pretty good. i saw the evil ex boyfriend that stole my heart yesterday at an organic supermarket (local, it's pretty awesome) though. and it broke my heart all over again, but then i remembered how amazing C (let's just call him that) is. (the recent boyfriend, i mean). who, sadly, never spent the night because my stupid brother's home from college. gets in the way all the time, i swear!!

i drove around and wasted gas for 2 hours yesterday, it was so majorly fun. it's really relaxing, driving and just not eating or have any money for eating.

tonight i'm making dinner for the family - not sure what it's going to be though. probably something asian.

tootles
xx
Sasha

so,

today was nice. mini binged, purged. going to the gym to run the rest off.

went to the eye doctor, i still have to wear contacts (fine by me, i'm blind as a BAT.)

parents are going out of town this weekend. it's very tempting to invite my boyfriend to spend the night on saturday. hmmm.

i have to pee like crazy. this was a very short post. just letting you ALL know that i'm thinking about ALL of you.

off to get ready for the gym!!

xx
Sasha

i failed last night.

the challenge thing i mean. everything was going GREAT - but then mom and dad left me home alone :( I ate cereal, whipped cream, and yogurt. since it was all dairy i didnt hurt myself but i still failed and now it makes me feel horrible.
today is a new day though! i ate breakfast and had the urge to purge (haha that rhymes) but i refrained!! :)
i got my prom dress yesterday. mom took me out of 6th period early so I could go to the mall. i found a dress, a belt, shoes, a bag, and a bra for all 90 dollars! effing cheap! the dress was 22 but it's so adorable. and it's a small ;) which makes me feel good.
i'm going to my nutritionist today - ewww. i hate how she can know what i weigh but i can't. i think i'm gaining because i'm getting a freaking ton of muscle. i mean, i look sexy, but i'm NOT skinny anymore. oh well! i'm not going to care. today will be a normal day, and i will not restrict or b/p.

i love you girls!
i'll put up pictures of my prom dress soon.

xx
Sasha roe

here is a challenge:

NO BINGEING FOR SEVEN DAYS STRAIGHT. that means no ice cream, no yogurt, no graham crackers dunked in chocolate sauce (oh god i'm drooling). my throat hurts like a bitch. i need a break.

anybody want to do this with me, just try? tonight is my LAST NIGHT. i need to go have yogurt to soothe my throat from all the purging.

i'm praying to God tonight to help me through the next week - i haven't gone that long without bingeing in a couple months.

good night. i really love all of you. thank you new followers for following me. you light up my life.

xx
Sasha

and in addition:

my therapist suggested i look at getting a prescription for antidepressants. has anyone used them before? i have really bad anxiety/OCD and she said it would help. but doesn't it make you gain weight?

please fill me in, lovelies<3

i think i'm becoming bulimic

i just can't stop purging. unless it's cheese, it's going up and out.
:(
i don't really know what to do right now. i'm supposed to be recovering. what did i get myself INTO? i know a lot of you reminded me... told me and warned me and told me to never ever get into purging. but i didn't listen and nowi'm suffering.

off to do some chores around the house.

xx
Sasha Roe

PS. i've been working out constantly. i went to a spin class and i suggest you guys go. my thighs were burning like crazy and i couldn't breathe for an hour. it was fantastic calorie torching.

PSS I officially have no fear of physical intimacy. finally let the boyfriend grope my boobcage area. (what did i get myself INTO?)

interesting week.

my boyfriend and i went to the gym together. i ran 8 miles , or 12.8 km for non-US residents (**bows** thank you, thank you) and he told me i worked out way too much and i needed to relax. he ran 3 miles (i WAS there for an hour longer than him, he's pretty fit himself but i was just there longer). it was sweet that he cared for me, but honestly burning 800 calories in an hour and 20 minutes is fucking fantastic.
tonight i'm going again, biking for 30 minutes then running for an hour. i ate 1600 calories today but i don't mind because i've been burning calories like a FIEND.

i'm 113.8 pounds naked in the morning. ew! i'm going to go down to 111. if i get any lower my nutritionist and i will have a smackdown and we don't want that, do we? ;)
(i'm not supposed to weigh myself but it's a secret... ssshhhhhh)

also, i'm going on a sugar detox. only one piece of fruit a day and cutting out ALL refined sugar products for at least 14 days. it fucks with my mood and then my family and i get in fights all the time.

i'm starving but i just ate a LOT. my metabolism is so fast right now :) yay fat burning!

off to the gym.

much love from the recovering side

xx
Sasha Roe

chocolate:)

bulimia has me absolutely encased. sad but true. anorexia decided to ditch me, so bulimia takes me and makes me totally addicted and enraptured, like this:

i'm finally starting to feel sexy again.

chocolate tastes just as good coming up as it tastes going down. that's ALL i have to say about THAT.

happy easter, or solid milk chocolate day!

xx

Sashaa Roe

a note on purging:

i WISH someone told me how difficult it is to keep your food DOWN once it's started going UP.
i'm trying to stop in mid-purge and it's not painful, just extremely difficult.
i hate mia, i hate it. ana just disappeared from my life and so mia comes along to do SOMETHING with the foodie mess i've created.

tomorrow morning: run for 40 minutes. yes.

xx
Sasha Roe

hello lovelies, i missed your posts!

i just got back from San Luis Obispo, Baby! What a gorgeous place that is, let me tell you.

i worked out like mad down there, burned about 400 calories a day on exercise, and then ruined it by eating.
but whatever.
i met my nutrionist on Monday and I promised her i'd not weigh myself.


...HAHA yeah right.

but she's skinnier than me, it's so not fair. she's like 5'6 and probably 105 pounds. i'm 5'2 and 5 pounds more than that.

bitch.

oh well, i'm officially deciding i'm going to give this recovery thing a go. i've not binged since that purge i last posted on, so i'm feeling really good. i'm hungry though.

i hate hunger. hunger needs to...die.
my recovering brain tells me hunger is EVIL, but then I don't want to get fat. it's very stressful and conflicting.

my spring break has been fabulous though.

more later,
xx
Sasha Roe