i purged tonight, first time ever.

my knees hugged the toilet bowl and i flexed and flexed and flexed.
i'm NEVER eating broccoli again, that was fucking SICK.

it was an interesting experience. it took me like an hour to throw up only a little ice cream and the broccoli from dinner.

hopefully it doesn't become habit...

Disappointed...

I never got to buy laxatives yesterday. I could say my parents caught me or something stupid, but honestly... I just didn't have the guts to actively and openly rebel and get addicted to something other than restricting.

Still though, tonight I binged and had about 8 cookies and 2 slices of cake.... I'm sorry guys :( I feel crappy.
I WAS nominated Queen at the dance tonight at school and that was fun :P I wore a crown for 2 hours.
But I don't know... I've become very emotionally dependent on my boyfriend and he's been acting really stand-offish the past three days or so... I don't know what's wrong but it's just making me crazy. Yesterday I had carrots and a grilled cheese (no butter, and 1 slice of cheese on 2 pieces of bread. nothing TOO bad) for the whole day. today i had more but not as much but tonight I lost it and binged like crazy.

What is WRONG WITH ME!!!
I'm 112.9 pounds and it's disgusting and out of hand! It needs to go away!
Now I'm really wishing I had those laxatives.

My life was purple on Sunday. It just turned very, very, very brown.

LAXATIVES!

yay! i'm buying some today!
xoxo
Sasha Roe

i am so confused.

I ate today. More than enough. This is what I had:

Breakfast:
shredded wheat (original) with fat free milk: 220 calories
1 egg+1 egg white: 85 calories "cutting out the yolk helps...right?"

Snack:
Snickers Almond: 230 calories "DON'T EAT THAT YOU STUPID FAT COW WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING?"

Lunch:
turkey on wheat with mustard: 240 calories
orange: 120 calories

Snack:
6 club crackers: 105 calories
chocolate & oats fiber one bar: 140 calories "You idiot. your stomach will never stop growing. look at those rolls. how will anyone want you looking like THAT?"

Dinner:
1/2 c. spaghetti: 350 calories "Ground beef? whore."
2 slices whole grain bread: 320 calories "arteries are exploding. exploding. you don't deserve to have an eating disorder."


TOTAL CALORIES CONSUMED: 1815

all day i was eating. thinking "No.. I need to get better. I need to recover. This is ridiculous." and I would feel the sudden compulsion to just eat everything in sight. I bought the snickers bar and afterward felt totally disgusted with myself. WHY couldn't i control my craving? aren't i supposed to be the one with all the control? and even thinking and obsessing over the food was just making me disgusted. but then i'd either eat, or start obsessing and fantasizing about being the thinnest of them all. and i'd be okay with it.

sometimes i'm just tired of being obsessed with food in general.
why can't i just eat like a normal person and always have to binge or starve?
i hate it. i hate it so much today it's not even funny.
and it's so weird, because i'm so unwilling to give it up.

xx
Sasha Roe

third post in 3 hours. just letting you all know i just binged on about 2000 calories and willnow spend the next 3 hours trying to throw it all back up, in vain.
tomorrow: i starve!

i don't know what i weigh.

and it's driving me INSANE. i have no idea how fat i am. ugh!

interesting counseling session today./Binge fantasy!!

Have you ever experienced discomfort when the opposite sex has touched you?

I just sort of sat there and stared at her, stupidly. I felt sort of like I did when I tried drugs, like my body was moving slower than my brain and I couldn't move quick enough.

(Yes dear counselor. Several times actually. Men are animals, no matter how sweet they taste.)

"Yeah, i have, only a few times though, it's not a big deal."

I suggest you think about those times and journal about them, and next week let's talk about it.

(Huh. Okay, Obi Wan.)

Silence.

How were you last week?

(Oh, I was okay, counselor. I binged twice and then went back to my OCD yesterday. No big deal, i'm actually really enjoying it. I mean I hate how I feel whenever I have a binge but then the starving part isn't too bad, as long as I'm drinking enough water.)

"I binged out once. And I'm chewing my food until it turns to mush in my mouth again. That's it though."

Wow, I'm such a little sneak :)

I had this super awesome daydream about a binge today, and everything I want to eat in one sitting. I would go to Carl's Jr. and buy the Jalapeno Six Dollar Burger (pepperjack cheese, jalapenos, beef -which i never touch, ever, unless I'm bingeing), a large Oreo shake next door at Baskin Robbins, and a large Criss-Cut Fries. Afterward, I'll go to ANOTHER Carl's and get the Western Bacon Six Dollar Burger and some milk (2 percent, please). (total calories at Carl's: 4200)

I'd go hit Taco Bell afterward and get a Mexican Pizza and a Crunchwrap Supreme and some Cinnamon Twists. And maybe even a Beef Chalupa, if I'm daring enough. (calories at T-Bell: 1650)

Then, I'll go to Coldstone and buy a whole Cookies & Creamery Ice Cream cake and eat all of it (5320 calories), as I sickeningly washing it down with a Venti White Chocolate Mocha from Starbucks (580 calories). Then off to my house to fry a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (don't ask, it's delicious but about 600 calories).

afterward, I'll drink 4L of water and throw EVERYTHING UP, violently until there's nothing but blood in the toilet. THAT is my favorite part, because I have a fear of throwing up and I can't make myself do it. That's why this is called a F A N T A S Y.

total calories consumed: 11750.

if only food didn't torture me. maybe then i'd have a LIFE.

xx

Sasha Roe

here's my day (o-c tendencies way exploited)

wake up at 11:00. Look in mirror naked, pinch fat for about 5 minutes. wash face and get dressed - it's FREEZING. go into the kitchen and eat an apple and a slice of toast with light cream cheese on it - about 210 calories.

run around and dust house in frantic frenzy - it's extremely dirty here right now. yell at dad and tell him to stop bothering me, get car ALMOST taken away.

it's 2:00. go eat an orange and slowly dissect it before consuming, sucking all the juice out of the pulp before eating the pulp. 80 more calories. grand total of 290 calories for breakfast and lunch.

go to Alice in Wonderland for the second time (since Friday) at 3:30. Buy a regular Diet Coke (about 25 oz) and fill it twice. drink ALL OF IT (yummy caffeine...who cares if it's bad for me?!) and let it work wonders on my metabolism-slash-brain. Get sent to Famous Dave', a disgusting bar-b-que restaurant that makes me want to tear my hair out (one corn bread muffin is about 600 calories...does that not tell you something about the place??) and order a chargrilled chicken sandwich, plain, just a bun and chicken.

take top of bun and set it aside - eliminate 150 calories. take knife and cut bottom bun and chicken up into tiny pieces, and do so for about 5 minutes. I've consumed my first bite. chew 50 times and swallow. repeat. I take a grand total of 30 minutes to finish the chicken breast and a third of the bun. By then, everyone else is done and I'm able to say I'm full. Total calories consumed: 300.

So today was a 600 calorie day. I'm feeling way bloated and nauseous because of it, but who cares? tomorrow I'll feel great because of it.

shitbitch my life sucks.

that is what i feel like right now >>>>>>>>>

and that cake is what I had a slice of tonight.>>

god i'm so fucking fat. fatfatfatfatFAT. i had a slice of cake and a fucking huge plate of chinese food tonight at a birthday party. i have no control. my stomach is continuing to expand. i cant stand myself.

and then i have to go take it out on my wonderful boyfriend, who does nothing but pamper and love me. i am the fattest, most undeserving person ever. i can't believe I've been eating so FUCKING MUCH. my weight is creeping up and it's fucking with my fucking life. i hate people, i hate myself, i just don't give a shit anymore. i'm NOT EATING TOMORROW.. and if i do it's because my Parents (the evil ones that create this sort of hell where they police me on my food and feelings. bitches) force me to. i refuse to lose control anymore. i'm going to look like one of those obese girls someday if i eat like this. i will. i see them at school every day, licking lollipops and talking about sex and eating twix peanut butter bars while i sit in the corner and glare at them, either completely jealous that they can be happy with no control or terrified i'll end up like them.


if i eat something, i'll eat everything, so i eat nothing.


i'm sorry, i hate bitching. i HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE BITCH. god i'm stupid for doing it. wait...that's me bitching, again. i'm just going to shut the fuck up now.

happy fucking March 8th, world.

xx
Sasha Roe

my new two staples:

WHY are these my new staples, you ask?

both are infused with citrimax, for one.

citrimax is a supplement that keeps your appetite curbed and boosts energy and stamina. and let me tell you that it WORKS. i haven't been hungry all day and I had 20 fl. oz. of the lifewater.

Fuze, of course (sadly) has about 13 calories per bottle (18.5 oz), so you need to be careful with it. But that has even more metabolism-boosting power than the lifewater - it's also spiked with L-Carnitine, which blasts cellulite off those flabby thighs. drink one in the morning for a 13 calorie breakfast and stay full for hours.

a slightly inappropriate post about sexuality.

I think i have a fear of intimacy. My boyfriend stuck his hand down my pants (not to finger me or anything, just to grab my butt. it wasn't even bare skin, i had undies on) and I'm just in a horrible state now. I don't know why. He's told me how much he never wants to ruin my trust and all this stuff and it's not like he was raping me or something. I don't know. does anyone else feel like this??

I'm thinking about doing the ABC diet. Has anyone done it before? I haven't had anything to eat today but I'm drinking water like nothing else. I'm not hungry yet thank goodness. :)))))

Today I'll be eating no more than 500 calories and tomorrow no more than 500 calories. This should be interesting. I also have a counseling appointment tomorrow at 2 (which should be interesting, since I'm deciding to relapse).

xx
Sasha Roe

I am tired of getting better.

I'm 114 pounds or so (going on 115). I'm tired of not having a gap between my legs. I'm sick of the fat on my hips, those horrible feminine curves that guys just want to GROPE. I miss being alone and miserable (shocker), and able to starve. I can't starve for my life anymore for some reason, it's like the eating disorder was just sucked out of me and I cant find it. I feel like i will never stop gaining weight - the number will never stay put the way I want it to.

I'm tired of having these gross rolls on my ass - i feel filthy and every time I eat all i can feel is the gross warmth of those fat layers on my belly. It's so gross. I just want to die. On my way home tonight from a party I was considering just getting into a car accident so I would have an excuse to bail on life. But i won't, I can't. Because anorexia has left me...

I'm going to find it again, I have to, for sanity and happiness' sake.