Quick update:

I have been way too busy to update, but let's just say that recovery is a BITCH.

I've three times already decided to quit eating again, but mom and dad are too smart. It's funny... I feel like i need to eat so much more than I should now that i'm eating 1500 calories a day. It's like I can either binge or starve but can't do anything in between. (I've actually controlled all my food intake rather well, not going over 1600, but it's pretty tough).

Today one of my friends really offended me. There's this girl in my English class that I'm fairly certain is bulimic because she packs tons of food in during class then goes to the bathroom afterward. I'm tolerant of eating disorders (OBVIOUSLY) and I mentioned to a friend that I think she might be bulimic. He just tells me that because I fucked my metabolism up by starving myself I'm jealous that I can't eat that much food without getting fat. I was so pissed that I left and started crying in my stats class.

So today was a bitch. But honestly, I am actually liking the idea of getting my life back, being free of the scale...

I hope you all are doing well on your weight loss<3 I wish i could join you guys.

xx
Sasha Roe.

Recovery: Day 1

picture of me going to formal. just showing you all what i look like when i'm smiling.

Breakfast:
.5 cups oatmeal
1 cup 2% milk (i'm having mom get skim when this fat filled shit is gone)
25 almonds
calories: 450

Lunch:
1 large apple
1 sandwich (whole wheat bun, ham)
1 babybel cheese
fruit cup

calories: 400

Snack:
2.5 cups salad w/ vinaigrette

calories: 40

Eating is pretty hard, not going to lie. But something just hit me today. I realised that I think that if I'm not thinner than everyone else, nobody will love me or respect me. Why on earth do i think that? I have no idea, because nobody's ever done something to make me think that. In fact, I had more friends AND a boyfriend when I was 130 pounds. (as in, when I was fat.)
We're eating pizza tonight - ack! - but since i've had all my dairy servings today i'm going to ask mom to keep the cheese off of my slice. I think she'll be okay with it.

But I've decided these five rules are what I'm going to try to live by:


1. Eat when I'm hungry
2. Don't eat when I'm not hungry (NO BINGEING)
3. Eat 5 servings of grain a day, and 3 servings of protein a day
4. Avoid mirrors like the plague when I'm not in the bathroom
5. Try to remember I'm beautiful...


Now, I already feel like a fat cow for eating all that food and it's pouring rain outside. Don't get me wrong - i'm actually in a pretty bad mood.
If I can't get better, I'll be sent to Arizona for an inpatient center for about 6 months. Hopefully that doesn't have to happen. I don't want to have to leave California.
I love you all.

xx


Sasha Roe

so i'm officially recovering.

i had a 3500 calorie binge last night - totally freaked out because i felt like i was going to have a heart attack and woke mom and dad up and told them everything. it was about 1 in the morning. of course, this morning i regretted telling them and i was ashamed at myself for getting frightened. but they're getting me help...

i think this actually might not be that bad.

i binged again tonight, just because...well i don't know why. but i finally decided i am not going to act like that anymore, i'm not going to let myself lose control like that. i need to get better, to resolve.... i've lost 16 pounds and i'll be gaining about 4 of them back but i don't really mind i don't think.

i just want to be happy again.

i'm taking a year off college and going to get into massage therapy school, come out with a credential, and i think i'm excited.

but yeah. i'm starting to have to eat 1500 calories a day... it'll be really tough. will you guys hang in there with me?

xx
Sasha Roe