Recovery: Day 1

picture of me going to formal. just showing you all what i look like when i'm smiling.

Breakfast:
.5 cups oatmeal
1 cup 2% milk (i'm having mom get skim when this fat filled shit is gone)
25 almonds
calories: 450

Lunch:
1 large apple
1 sandwich (whole wheat bun, ham)
1 babybel cheese
fruit cup

calories: 400

Snack:
2.5 cups salad w/ vinaigrette

calories: 40

Eating is pretty hard, not going to lie. But something just hit me today. I realised that I think that if I'm not thinner than everyone else, nobody will love me or respect me. Why on earth do i think that? I have no idea, because nobody's ever done something to make me think that. In fact, I had more friends AND a boyfriend when I was 130 pounds. (as in, when I was fat.)
We're eating pizza tonight - ack! - but since i've had all my dairy servings today i'm going to ask mom to keep the cheese off of my slice. I think she'll be okay with it.

But I've decided these five rules are what I'm going to try to live by:


1. Eat when I'm hungry
2. Don't eat when I'm not hungry (NO BINGEING)
3. Eat 5 servings of grain a day, and 3 servings of protein a day
4. Avoid mirrors like the plague when I'm not in the bathroom
5. Try to remember I'm beautiful...


Now, I already feel like a fat cow for eating all that food and it's pouring rain outside. Don't get me wrong - i'm actually in a pretty bad mood.
If I can't get better, I'll be sent to Arizona for an inpatient center for about 6 months. Hopefully that doesn't have to happen. I don't want to have to leave California.
I love you all.

xx


Sasha Roe

real update time/inspiration:

hey all! Today's my sister's 18th birthday. Good for her, bad for me. BECAUSE we're having funfetti cake tonight. if there is anything that makes me want to die of fear, it's facing a slice of cake that i have to eat like i'm enjoying myself in front of my mom and dad. anyone else ever feel threatened when they're facing fatty food?

however, I resisted the temptation today to buy candy... it was everywhere at school today, kids that are part of clubs are currently fundraising. so i've had this to eat:

a handful of carrots,

an apple,

small bowl of cheerios.

i would have skipped the cheerios but mom was in the kitchen ALL MORNING so i had to eat something more than just an apple. i'm eating the carrots right now with a 44 oz diet dr. pepper. love the stuff, really boosts your mood.

recently, these are new habits i find have helped me lose weight:

1. i chew sugarfree gum constantly. it takes 30 minutes for the chewing to burn off the 5 calories you are consuming, so you're not actually inhaling calories and it makes you chew it for 30 minutes so you can burn it off appropriately. thus, you don't eat! it also helps me concentrate.

2. i snap a rubber band on my wrist whenever i'm around food and smell it. it makes me after a while shy away from food because it hurts after a while.

3. i drink caffeine constantly. it keeps me from getting lightheaded and woozy and my mood improves.

4. i drink about 10 16-oz glasses of water every day to keep the caffeine from dehydrating me. keeps my skin nice too!

tonight my mother is making some sausage chicken noodle pasta shit. UGH. hopefully it doesn't ruin me. today's not a good eating day.

she knows i HATE red meat, but she just doesn't care.

xx

Sasha Roe