I took some uppers today just to feel good. My boyfriend told me if i ever did drugs again that he would dump me. He noticed my elated mood but passed on it as simply some hypomania - which i still get even though i've been taking my mood drugs (or so he thinks. they make me feel stupid.)
Went to a party tonight (alcohol free, kid friendly) and ate a shitton, smoked too much. I don't know what has become of me anymore.
I am 130 pounds and hate it. My boyfriend is having problems getting his "member" up so i can't have any sex to relieve my stress. It makes me feel ugly - what is it about me that doesn't turn him on? He says he appreciates my body, but how can you appreciate something meant to be sexual if you aren't getting a motherfucking boner?
I'm tired... And depressed. I'm going to bed.
thinspiration:
Monday, December 12, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
I am officially back.. Promise.
Took a jaunty trip to the mental hospital back in october where they pumped me with food and pills, diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder, then went on their merry way. I went from 122 pounds (i was losing so well.) to 130.
Here we go again, all along this ridiculous merry go round....
I binged today.
My boyfriend and I have a lot of difficulty being apart. When I'm not with him, I binge and purge. When he's not with me, he drinks. We're destroying and hurting each other every moment we're on our own.
I hope all of you found your thanksgiving well. I found mine gone, disappearing right off the calendar. I stayed home and composed all day.
Here we go again, all along this ridiculous merry go round....
I binged today.
My boyfriend and I have a lot of difficulty being apart. When I'm not with him, I binge and purge. When he's not with me, he drinks. We're destroying and hurting each other every moment we're on our own.
I hope all of you found your thanksgiving well. I found mine gone, disappearing right off the calendar. I stayed home and composed all day.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
formspring.me
ask me something honest. i want to know what you're curious about. http://formspring.me/Rosaleigh
Friday, May 13, 2011
Update :/
I have been feeling very alone of late. All my relationships seem so meaningless now.
I have been bingeing. I have also been purging everything, too. It doesn't matter though - whether I purge or not, I still have failed.
Today, I am turning over a new leaf. Water. Coffee and fat free creamer. Apples. They have become my staple food. I am turning the tides, returning to my former ally - myself. I have betrayed my body in so many ways. No more will I be this fat girl. I feel like there is an excess of myself, an excess of who I am.
No more will I feel that way. Tomorrow, I return to the gym. I will rid myself of my excess, I will become who I need to be. I am not myself. All the anxiety, all the labor of my life, I feel has been a result of my fat, disgusting body. I am ready to finally change that. I see so clearly what I need now. I feel like my denial, the veil that's been covering my eyes, has at last been released. I am so fat now, and ashamed at myself.
Today is Day 1 of my 21 day resolution. 4 pounds a week at least.
Week 1, eat only citrus fruits and vegetables and fat free protein. NO bread, pasta, bananas. 1,000 calories per day.
Week 2, cut out fruit and meats. Vegetables, bananas, and fat free milk. 700 calories per day.
Week 3, back to the first week, but 800 calories a day. I refuse to properly restrict like I used to - hey, maybe this will even be recovery for me?
I need to exercise daily - 45 minutes of cardio, and 30 minutes of strength. I need this weight off. I will count every calorie. I am tired of myself. I need a change, and this is my key to success. Every other food feels so unsafe to me. I try to eat bread and all i hear is "fat fat fat" chanting in my head. What a positive way to start and end the day, right?
I have been bingeing. I have also been purging everything, too. It doesn't matter though - whether I purge or not, I still have failed.
Today, I am turning over a new leaf. Water. Coffee and fat free creamer. Apples. They have become my staple food. I am turning the tides, returning to my former ally - myself. I have betrayed my body in so many ways. No more will I be this fat girl. I feel like there is an excess of myself, an excess of who I am.
No more will I feel that way. Tomorrow, I return to the gym. I will rid myself of my excess, I will become who I need to be. I am not myself. All the anxiety, all the labor of my life, I feel has been a result of my fat, disgusting body. I am ready to finally change that. I see so clearly what I need now. I feel like my denial, the veil that's been covering my eyes, has at last been released. I am so fat now, and ashamed at myself.
Today is Day 1 of my 21 day resolution. 4 pounds a week at least.
Week 1, eat only citrus fruits and vegetables and fat free protein. NO bread, pasta, bananas. 1,000 calories per day.
Week 2, cut out fruit and meats. Vegetables, bananas, and fat free milk. 700 calories per day.
Week 3, back to the first week, but 800 calories a day. I refuse to properly restrict like I used to - hey, maybe this will even be recovery for me?
I need to exercise daily - 45 minutes of cardio, and 30 minutes of strength. I need this weight off. I will count every calorie. I am tired of myself. I need a change, and this is my key to success. Every other food feels so unsafe to me. I try to eat bread and all i hear is "fat fat fat" chanting in my head. What a positive way to start and end the day, right?
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
returned for good.
Hello everyone... I'm back, and 140 pounds. I"m officially almost overweight. It's killing me. I feel like I have lost everything. So much has happened. New boyfriend... Same college major. I'm in a lot of pain. I miss my restricting. I'm fat now. I'm ready to start over. I'm back because I feel like I have lost something very special, I have lost my purpose in life. It's officially meaningless. I'm back, to find my way back home. I am back to find my anorexia once more. it's the only thing I have left.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
I AM BACK.
i can't even tell you guys. i haven't been on this blog in 6 months, and i have gained 20 pounds. i'm so miserable that i'm back here. i need to get back into where i used to be. i'm now addicted to bingeing, not bingeing and purging. not restricting. it is a total nightmare to say the least.
but i'm back, and hoping to beat the scale.
i missed everyone on this blog so much.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
NEW videoblog on tumblr!
hey girls, my lovely little anorexics. just letting y'all know that I've moved accounts over to Tumbler for a vlog account.
recovery isn't going well (actually it's gone down the SHITTER) and so I'm trying to find new and creative ways to get me back on track.
i'd LOVE it if you checked out my videos.
the URL is satisfactionisntanumber.tumblr.com
or you can just click here and there it is.
thank you all. i have missed you soo much. PLEASE join me on tumblr!
xx
Sasha
(p.s. on my VLOG i'm using my real name!! congrats on finding out who i really am :P)
recovery isn't going well (actually it's gone down the SHITTER) and so I'm trying to find new and creative ways to get me back on track.
i'd LOVE it if you checked out my videos.
the URL is satisfactionisntanumber.tumblr.com
or you can just click here and there it is.
thank you all. i have missed you soo much. PLEASE join me on tumblr!
xx
Sasha
(p.s. on my VLOG i'm using my real name!! congrats on finding out who i really am :P)
Saturday, July 17, 2010
done with blogging.
hello you lovely girls. i'm sorry to say i am going to be leaving you for some amount of time. how long i don't know, but i decided that i need to reprocess my life, try to focus on what is best for me, and decide where to go from here.
i feel like recovery is the best thing possible at this point and i'm going to give it a shot, 100%. i need to be okay with having a few curves here and there. i need to taste life at its fullest. i need this for myself.
i'm still going to be on my email though. it's gauntfuture@hotmail.com if you don't have it already. i'd love to stay in touch with ALL of you so please please drop an email in from time to time telling me how you all are doing!
i'm sorry for being so unexpected about this. my blog won't be deleted- it will only be... well, not updated!
i really do love every single one of you, PLEEEASE email me!
xx
Sasha
i feel like recovery is the best thing possible at this point and i'm going to give it a shot, 100%. i need to be okay with having a few curves here and there. i need to taste life at its fullest. i need this for myself.
i'm still going to be on my email though. it's gauntfuture@hotmail.com if you don't have it already. i'd love to stay in touch with ALL of you so please please drop an email in from time to time telling me how you all are doing!
i'm sorry for being so unexpected about this. my blog won't be deleted- it will only be... well, not updated!
i really do love every single one of you, PLEEEASE email me!
xx
Sasha
Monday, July 12, 2010
the bitch is back!
:) hello everyone! oh how I've missed you! New York was absolutely AMAZING and the college program was stellar - i have returned a million times more enabled for piano than ever before and a new passion has been revived in my heart for it!!
good and bad news!
the good news: i lost 3 pounds when i was there!
the bad news: i gained it back!
yep. i went from sexy to flabby in about 3 days. i'm not quite sure what happened. i think food just begann to overwhelm me at the camp and i jsut started eating again.
the good thing though is i know i can get back down to that little itty bitty girl that i was months ago, i proved it to myself!
a slightly sad deal (okay, to me it's ridiculously tragic and depressing...) is that i have about.... two weeks left to spend with my amazing amazing boyfriend before he goes to kansas.
gulp excuse me?!
god i've been a mental wreck! when i came back from new york last night the first thing i did is go see him. and i spent all morning with him today, as he was packing to leave me till friday!! is this all bad luck or what?
we spent a good deal of our past 24 hours passionately making out because we missed each other so much (sorry...tmi?? i missed him!! he's like the love of my life!)
anyway...blogland is slightly overwhelming me at the moment simply because i haven't logged on in so long! but i'm back and i'll be easing back into reading all your lovely posts and commenting and supporting each and every one of you!
i'm getting off to make dinner (cough, fail, cough) and then go to my "lovely job" (gag).
when my boyfriend comes back friday, and he sees my sexy body in that itty bitty teeny weeny yellow polkadot bikini, he's going to go crazy.
xx
Sasha
good and bad news!
the good news: i lost 3 pounds when i was there!
the bad news: i gained it back!
yep. i went from sexy to flabby in about 3 days. i'm not quite sure what happened. i think food just begann to overwhelm me at the camp and i jsut started eating again.
the good thing though is i know i can get back down to that little itty bitty girl that i was months ago, i proved it to myself!
a slightly sad deal (okay, to me it's ridiculously tragic and depressing...) is that i have about.... two weeks left to spend with my amazing amazing boyfriend before he goes to kansas.
gulp excuse me?!
god i've been a mental wreck! when i came back from new york last night the first thing i did is go see him. and i spent all morning with him today, as he was packing to leave me till friday!! is this all bad luck or what?
we spent a good deal of our past 24 hours passionately making out because we missed each other so much (sorry...tmi?? i missed him!! he's like the love of my life!)
anyway...blogland is slightly overwhelming me at the moment simply because i haven't logged on in so long! but i'm back and i'll be easing back into reading all your lovely posts and commenting and supporting each and every one of you!
i'm getting off to make dinner (cough, fail, cough) and then go to my "lovely job" (gag).
when my boyfriend comes back friday, and he sees my sexy body in that itty bitty teeny weeny yellow polkadot bikini, he's going to go crazy.
xx
Sasha
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
110.6!
Hooray! I am 110.6 pounds before the month ends! Lucky lucky me. This puts my BMI at about 20.2.
I can almost tast 19! My goal when I'm up in New York is this:
+ track intake every single day!
+ do eat 3 meals, only let them be 200 to 250 calories each (music...energy. bleck!)
+ exercise at least 30 minutes every day. there is hiking, AND a gym there so I'll have plenty of opportunities
+ bring a victoria's secret mag with me for thinspo
Of course, there will be no way to measure my progress over there, except for clothes fitting and the mirror (and we all know that EVERY mirror is like a warped thing...you never ever see it how it really is, it's like a fun house at the circus most times).
So I'm just going to really really really have to hope that this plan will work out for me. I'm way nervous guys!
Yesterday my intake was:
B: 1 glass juice (130) =130
L: 1 apple (110), tuna (125) = 235
D: 3 egg whites (45), lettuce (15), salsa (50), apple (110) = 220
S: carrots (80) = 80
so that is a grand total of 665 calories i do believe. not bad at all!
no wonder i lost a whole pound ;)
Today my intake has been just breakfast, at oatmeal and an apple (total: 260).
I'm hoping my lunch will just be another apple. I'm going out to dinner with my grandma tonight (gulp...) and I'm ordering a salad most likely. Then onto the plane! Ack! So excited! I'll not eat until I get to NY, which will be for dinner. pray that I lose a lot these next 11 days guys, I'm seeing the boyfriend on July 12 and wanna be smokin hot when I come back!! :)
I love you all, and I'll see you around the 11th or 12th!
Farewell, goodbye, achtung (isn't that goodbye?), Arrivederci, Aloha, Sionara, and here is some happiness for you <3
I can almost tast 19! My goal when I'm up in New York is this:
+ track intake every single day!
+ do eat 3 meals, only let them be 200 to 250 calories each (music...energy. bleck!)
+ exercise at least 30 minutes every day. there is hiking, AND a gym there so I'll have plenty of opportunities
+ bring a victoria's secret mag with me for thinspo
Of course, there will be no way to measure my progress over there, except for clothes fitting and the mirror (and we all know that EVERY mirror is like a warped thing...you never ever see it how it really is, it's like a fun house at the circus most times).
So I'm just going to really really really have to hope that this plan will work out for me. I'm way nervous guys!
Yesterday my intake was:
B: 1 glass juice (130) =130
L: 1 apple (110), tuna (125) = 235
D: 3 egg whites (45), lettuce (15), salsa (50), apple (110) = 220
S: carrots (80) = 80
so that is a grand total of 665 calories i do believe. not bad at all!
no wonder i lost a whole pound ;)
Today my intake has been just breakfast, at oatmeal and an apple (total: 260).
I'm hoping my lunch will just be another apple. I'm going out to dinner with my grandma tonight (gulp...) and I'm ordering a salad most likely. Then onto the plane! Ack! So excited! I'll not eat until I get to NY, which will be for dinner. pray that I lose a lot these next 11 days guys, I'm seeing the boyfriend on July 12 and wanna be smokin hot when I come back!! :)
I love you all, and I'll see you around the 11th or 12th!
Farewell, goodbye, achtung (isn't that goodbye?), Arrivederci, Aloha, Sionara, and here is some happiness for you <3
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
one more post before my "farewell letter :)
Hello you beautiful followers of mine. I love every single one of you and every time i see you comment my posts it just brightens up my darker days (figuratively of course...in california the sun really is always shining, or at least in my city, so that's one stereotype that's actually true).
i'm running about packing like a fiend, making lists and buying bug spray (stupid mosquitos are going to be where I am), and not eating. I've packed 10 South Beach Living fiber/protein bars (the fiber bars are 110 calories, protein ones 140) in case my blood sugar gets too low from severe restricting in new york. so don't worry ladies, I'm going to be safe when i'm all alone and on my own!
I have about 6 hours of piano to practice today. yippee! I'm actually quite excited about perfecting my pieces... only 2 are memorized so far (i have 5 songs) and only 1 is recital ready! Yikes! I'm going to have to work my little ass off when I get there to make them all perfect!
I had a bit of a binge yesterday, my total calorie count for the day was probably about 1400. I did exercise about 600 calories OFF last night though. Still woke up at 112.0 though :( so I gained a bit. but nothing that a mini 12 hr. fast can't fix! (Piano requires a lot of energy, especially the pieces I'm playing, so I can't go too long without food or else I'll binge because I'll be so frustrated with my low blood sugar. that's what happened yesterday, i was practicing with no food in my stomach and got so hungry i just ate and ate and ate... that will NOT happen today!! I'm well prepared to keep my sugar levels high.)
I will post one more time tomorrow morning, to say I love you all and goodbye, and then it's off to the Eastern US to take college level music courses for 10 days!
If you all are interested in which piano songs I'm learning, there is a page dedicated to it on the right hand side of this blog, under the "links to various blogpages." in purple, right under "formspring.me". (which you all should do, even if you don't have an account!)
the link says "music I'm learning". and there are performance-level youtube videos of others playing the pieces i'm learning. I hope you all enjoy and appreciate classical music. It is honestly the essence of my existance, and the only reason I eat at all!
Much love to you all,
xx
Sasha
i'm running about packing like a fiend, making lists and buying bug spray (stupid mosquitos are going to be where I am), and not eating. I've packed 10 South Beach Living fiber/protein bars (the fiber bars are 110 calories, protein ones 140) in case my blood sugar gets too low from severe restricting in new york. so don't worry ladies, I'm going to be safe when i'm all alone and on my own!
I have about 6 hours of piano to practice today. yippee! I'm actually quite excited about perfecting my pieces... only 2 are memorized so far (i have 5 songs) and only 1 is recital ready! Yikes! I'm going to have to work my little ass off when I get there to make them all perfect!
I had a bit of a binge yesterday, my total calorie count for the day was probably about 1400. I did exercise about 600 calories OFF last night though. Still woke up at 112.0 though :( so I gained a bit. but nothing that a mini 12 hr. fast can't fix! (Piano requires a lot of energy, especially the pieces I'm playing, so I can't go too long without food or else I'll binge because I'll be so frustrated with my low blood sugar. that's what happened yesterday, i was practicing with no food in my stomach and got so hungry i just ate and ate and ate... that will NOT happen today!! I'm well prepared to keep my sugar levels high.)
I will post one more time tomorrow morning, to say I love you all and goodbye, and then it's off to the Eastern US to take college level music courses for 10 days!
If you all are interested in which piano songs I'm learning, there is a page dedicated to it on the right hand side of this blog, under the "links to various blogpages." in purple, right under "formspring.me". (which you all should do, even if you don't have an account!)
the link says "music I'm learning". and there are performance-level youtube videos of others playing the pieces i'm learning. I hope you all enjoy and appreciate classical music. It is honestly the essence of my existance, and the only reason I eat at all!
Much love to you all,
xx
Sasha
Monday, June 28, 2010
update!!
hi! this is going to be a very fast update because i'm sooo busy right now. this weekend i went out of town and, well, i returned 111.6 pounds! and this is with food in my stomach (i had to break my fast because of my grandma...bleck).
so i am a pretty happy camper about that.
and my health seems to have picked back up. im going to the doctor around july 12 for the potential internal bleeding. (i'm going to new york...no way will i pass up new york because i'm sick!!).
i would love to talk more and update you all and comment your posts, but i have so much to do before i leave, like pack, do laundry, practice a million hours of piano, the list goes on.
anyway, i love you all,and i'll return as soon as possible!
xxxx
Sasha
so i am a pretty happy camper about that.
and my health seems to have picked back up. im going to the doctor around july 12 for the potential internal bleeding. (i'm going to new york...no way will i pass up new york because i'm sick!!).
i would love to talk more and update you all and comment your posts, but i have so much to do before i leave, like pack, do laundry, practice a million hours of piano, the list goes on.
anyway, i love you all,and i'll return as soon as possible!
xxxx
Sasha
Friday, June 25, 2010
Pain and fear.
Last night, I purged. I purged dark brown. I'm fairly convinced it was blood, because when you purge blood it's not always red.
I've been having severe waves of nausea rolling over me for the past two days, and every time I stand I feel faint and dizzy. I've been experiencing the dizziness ever since Monday. I thought it was just from the fast, but I don't think it is. I have a moderate pain in my upper left abdomen that's been going on and off since monday.
Pretty much, I'm experiencing everything you experience whenever you have an ulcer. Purging blood means that it's also a BLEEDING ulcer.
bleeding ulcers can be fatal if you don't treat them. sadly enough, there's no way for me to get it treated until about July 12. I'm pretty fucking terrified that I'm going to die.
I can't believe I've let myself get so hurt. It's so wrong. So carnal. whyohwhydidieverstartpurging?
I was actually praying for god to extend my life. PRAYING. I haven't truly prayed in literally months.
in better news: i've lost about a pound of fat this week from fasting. yay! and my appetite has severely decreased too, I'm just not hungry anymore! i've had 250 calories today so far and that made me soooo full! So this is a good thing. Hopefully i'll have a 5 pounds-of-fat weight loss by next sunday.
xx
Sasha
I've been having severe waves of nausea rolling over me for the past two days, and every time I stand I feel faint and dizzy. I've been experiencing the dizziness ever since Monday. I thought it was just from the fast, but I don't think it is. I have a moderate pain in my upper left abdomen that's been going on and off since monday.
Pretty much, I'm experiencing everything you experience whenever you have an ulcer. Purging blood means that it's also a BLEEDING ulcer.
bleeding ulcers can be fatal if you don't treat them. sadly enough, there's no way for me to get it treated until about July 12. I'm pretty fucking terrified that I'm going to die.
I can't believe I've let myself get so hurt. It's so wrong. So carnal. whyohwhydidieverstartpurging?
I was actually praying for god to extend my life. PRAYING. I haven't truly prayed in literally months.
in better news: i've lost about a pound of fat this week from fasting. yay! and my appetite has severely decreased too, I'm just not hungry anymore! i've had 250 calories today so far and that made me soooo full! So this is a good thing. Hopefully i'll have a 5 pounds-of-fat weight loss by next sunday.
xx
Sasha
Thursday, June 24, 2010
frustrated rant on wanting eating disorders.
why do girls want eating disorders? why the hell do girls come to us like we're from a fairytale land, and tell us that they want to be thin, and how do you purge, and how did you get that skinny body because oh-i'm-just-so-fat-and-i-want-to-like-myself.
NEWSFLASH: eating disorders will never help you like yourself. you come on these blogs and look at our posts, and look at it as if we're a fiction novel, and you think that maybe (just like in those epic fantasy tales) you'll find something positive and adventurous in our problems. you want to take the journey, because you crave excitement.
you're immature.
you're offensive.
you're a wannarexic that thinks skinny will make you cooler, hipper, happier.
you're wrong and ignorant and you don't know what you're talking about.
you'll see. one day you'll be so weak you won't be able to walk down the stairs. one day, you'll sit down in the bathtub and cry because the bones on your butt are sticking out and bruised on the hard floor. one day you'll be so cold that ten blankets won't warm you up on a 78 degree day.
one day you'll realize what eating disorders are truly like. one day you'll actually notice us suffer, wail, sniffling in our own fantasy lands just wanting to get out and live and be normal and safe and happy and fall in love.
in the eating disorder fantasy land, there are no prince charmings.
in the eating disorder fantasy land, there are no little princesses. they've all locked themselves up in their bedrooms too weak to get out of bed. no, that's not a romantic adventure.that's reality, and it hurts.
and i'm tired of seeing all this fake eating disorder shit online.
get over yourselves girls. and if ANYONE asks me for weight loss advice one more time, I'm going to freak out even harder.
this is an ugly, ugly world, and I'm offended that any normal human being would want to be here suffering right next to me.
NEWSFLASH: eating disorders will never help you like yourself. you come on these blogs and look at our posts, and look at it as if we're a fiction novel, and you think that maybe (just like in those epic fantasy tales) you'll find something positive and adventurous in our problems. you want to take the journey, because you crave excitement.
you're immature.
you're offensive.
you're a wannarexic that thinks skinny will make you cooler, hipper, happier.
you're wrong and ignorant and you don't know what you're talking about.
you'll see. one day you'll be so weak you won't be able to walk down the stairs. one day, you'll sit down in the bathtub and cry because the bones on your butt are sticking out and bruised on the hard floor. one day you'll be so cold that ten blankets won't warm you up on a 78 degree day.
one day you'll realize what eating disorders are truly like. one day you'll actually notice us suffer, wail, sniffling in our own fantasy lands just wanting to get out and live and be normal and safe and happy and fall in love.
in the eating disorder fantasy land, there are no prince charmings.
in the eating disorder fantasy land, there are no little princesses. they've all locked themselves up in their bedrooms too weak to get out of bed. no, that's not a romantic adventure.that's reality, and it hurts.
and i'm tired of seeing all this fake eating disorder shit online.
get over yourselves girls. and if ANYONE asks me for weight loss advice one more time, I'm going to freak out even harder.
this is an ugly, ugly world, and I'm offended that any normal human being would want to be here suffering right next to me.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
hungry!
I want to go shopping. I'm starving, literally, but it's nothing that a cup of green tea with honey and lemon can't fix. When I hit 108 pounds again, I'm going to American Apparel and buying ALL these clothes that you see right here at the bottom of this post, because all of them are adorable!
So here is some fashion inspiration (and being thinspiration at the same time I must say!)
Seeing the clothes I'm going to buy takes the irritability from my fast away. I love it.
I'm 112.6 pounds right now. I want to be in the 111's tomorrow morning. Wish me luck, I hope I get there!
love you all.
xx
Sasha
So here is some fashion inspiration (and being thinspiration at the same time I must say!)
Seeing the clothes I'm going to buy takes the irritability from my fast away. I love it.
I'm 112.6 pounds right now. I want to be in the 111's tomorrow morning. Wish me luck, I hope I get there!
love you all.
xx
Sasha
113.2
Yes ladies, I'm almost in the 112 pound range. yay me! No food has touched my lips since Sunday night. The funny thing is, I don't feel like I'm starving. I'm not hungry at all. There's a comfortable numbness around my abdomen, where I feel like i got shot with anesthetics. It's really very nice.
I'm hoping my body goes into ketosis today! Even though I had that smoothie, I think it could still do it.
That really cute baseball player is sitting in my living room right now... Aaaaahh what a cutie!
;) Naughty me... I can't say stuff like that, or think it!
I made myself an english muffin so my sister thinks I ate, it's just sitting here. And I have absolutely no desire to touch it. I am loving the smell, however. Anyone else do this out there? Just sit and smell food but not eat it?
No? Okay....
Last night the boyfriend was way, way tired. I got to his house around 9:40 and at about 10:50 he just got into bed. I laid next to him and tickled his back for about 20 minutes, until he fell asleep, and then I kissed him goodbye and left. There was something so sweet about it. I can't really describe what last night was like for me. The complete innocence with out relating to each other and the fact that he asked me to tickle his back was just so... Alien to me. And I did it, because I love him. I really really love him.
And I was thinking this as his breathing deepened and he got really quiet. Never have I loved anyone like I love you, C.
And then another thought; This is too deep for words.
I left home refreshed and happy. He's so good to me. (I mean sure he's a little aggressive sexually but hes been a VERY good boy the past week or so). I don't want him to leave, but if he does I'm pretty certain we'll have no problems staying together.
All my love girls! xx
Sasha
p.s. A- to answer your question, I might have some free time. Not sure yet though, they have yet to email me their itinerary!
I'm hoping my body goes into ketosis today! Even though I had that smoothie, I think it could still do it.
That really cute baseball player is sitting in my living room right now... Aaaaahh what a cutie!
;) Naughty me... I can't say stuff like that, or think it!
I made myself an english muffin so my sister thinks I ate, it's just sitting here. And I have absolutely no desire to touch it. I am loving the smell, however. Anyone else do this out there? Just sit and smell food but not eat it?
No? Okay....
Last night the boyfriend was way, way tired. I got to his house around 9:40 and at about 10:50 he just got into bed. I laid next to him and tickled his back for about 20 minutes, until he fell asleep, and then I kissed him goodbye and left. There was something so sweet about it. I can't really describe what last night was like for me. The complete innocence with out relating to each other and the fact that he asked me to tickle his back was just so... Alien to me. And I did it, because I love him. I really really love him.
And I was thinking this as his breathing deepened and he got really quiet. Never have I loved anyone like I love you, C.
And then another thought; This is too deep for words.
I left home refreshed and happy. He's so good to me. (I mean sure he's a little aggressive sexually but hes been a VERY good boy the past week or so). I don't want him to leave, but if he does I'm pretty certain we'll have no problems staying together.
All my love girls! xx
Sasha
p.s. A- to answer your question, I might have some free time. Not sure yet though, they have yet to email me their itinerary!
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Liquid Fast Day 2 Roundup:
Today didn't go as well as planned :( I had about 600 calories of liquid!! That's way too much.
The thing is, I play classical piano and when you're at my level (advanced, i'm college entry now) it's nearly impossible to play on a low calorie liquid fast. And I'm going to NY in a week for it and have to play really well, as well as possible.
And tonight i had a lesson, and I had absolutly NO strength in my hands to play. So I had like 2 extra glasses of juice.
Ugh, fml.
Hopefully though it doesn't ruin my day. I'm really hoping it doesn't ruin it and I get all fat. 600 calories is just WAY too much.
in other news, after thursday night I won't see The Boyfriend until July 12. I'm really depressed about this. It's because we're both going out of town for different things and he's leaving and then I'm leaving and when he comes back I'll still be gone :/ So I'm pretty depressed about it.
But I'm not going to let it ruin the remaining time I have with him!
After July 12 we'll only have a little less than a month to spend with each other before he moves to Kansas for college. I'm really depressed about this, I really feel insecure about it. I feel like we're going to break up because of it.
And when I come back July 12 at least ten pounds thinner he's going to be so angry :( I don't really know what will happen to us because of it. The thing is, I NEED to lose this weight! If I don't, I don't know how I'll even be able to live with myself. Seriously.
So I'm pretty much at a draw. The next month is going to be so tumultous for me, but at least I'll be moving (not sure if I'll be moving forward or backward. either is better than staying stagnant.)
I'm rereading Wintergirls. I love this book so much.
I'm getting off. I love you all.
xx
Sasha
The thing is, I play classical piano and when you're at my level (advanced, i'm college entry now) it's nearly impossible to play on a low calorie liquid fast. And I'm going to NY in a week for it and have to play really well, as well as possible.
And tonight i had a lesson, and I had absolutly NO strength in my hands to play. So I had like 2 extra glasses of juice.
Ugh, fml.
Hopefully though it doesn't ruin my day. I'm really hoping it doesn't ruin it and I get all fat. 600 calories is just WAY too much.
in other news, after thursday night I won't see The Boyfriend until July 12. I'm really depressed about this. It's because we're both going out of town for different things and he's leaving and then I'm leaving and when he comes back I'll still be gone :/ So I'm pretty depressed about it.
But I'm not going to let it ruin the remaining time I have with him!
After July 12 we'll only have a little less than a month to spend with each other before he moves to Kansas for college. I'm really depressed about this, I really feel insecure about it. I feel like we're going to break up because of it.
And when I come back July 12 at least ten pounds thinner he's going to be so angry :( I don't really know what will happen to us because of it. The thing is, I NEED to lose this weight! If I don't, I don't know how I'll even be able to live with myself. Seriously.
So I'm pretty much at a draw. The next month is going to be so tumultous for me, but at least I'll be moving (not sure if I'll be moving forward or backward. either is better than staying stagnant.)
I'm rereading Wintergirls. I love this book so much.
I'm getting off. I love you all.
xx
Sasha
114.8
I *know* I said I wasn't going to weigh myself, but the temptation was just there. I was 116.0 yesterday. So this is going really well, and I have no plans to stop!
I saw "The Karate Kid" last night, and geez that kid was really ripped. I'm jealous. Yes...I'm jealous of a 12 year old boy, it shouldn't be weird.
It's really boring over here, all I'm doing is not eating and practicing piano to prepare for New York.
I'm so glad my parents are out of town. I'm not going to see them until July 11!! Which means restrict restrict restrict.
If you all don't know, I'm going to New York for music camp from July 1 to July 11! Which means I won't be able to update during that time sadly :( I will miss you all dearly but I'm going to be enjoying my great ability to restrict as much as I want!
Last night, the boyfriend tried to make me eat. I refused! And I have definitely been more loving to him. Today I'm going to be even better, and this fast is really saving our relationship, I'm not kidding!
I have to go to therapy today. :/ I'm not really in the mood, I don't have the emotional energy. Oh well though. in the long run it's better for me!
In other news, my insurance policy denied me access to my nutritionist for free, we have to pay for it in full >.< We're all pretty irritated with them.
So yeah, way boring post. sorry guys!
much love to you
xx
Sasha
I saw "The Karate Kid" last night, and geez that kid was really ripped. I'm jealous. Yes...I'm jealous of a 12 year old boy, it shouldn't be weird.
It's really boring over here, all I'm doing is not eating and practicing piano to prepare for New York.
I'm so glad my parents are out of town. I'm not going to see them until July 11!! Which means restrict restrict restrict.
If you all don't know, I'm going to New York for music camp from July 1 to July 11! Which means I won't be able to update during that time sadly :( I will miss you all dearly but I'm going to be enjoying my great ability to restrict as much as I want!
Last night, the boyfriend tried to make me eat. I refused! And I have definitely been more loving to him. Today I'm going to be even better, and this fast is really saving our relationship, I'm not kidding!
I have to go to therapy today. :/ I'm not really in the mood, I don't have the emotional energy. Oh well though. in the long run it's better for me!
In other news, my insurance policy denied me access to my nutritionist for free, we have to pay for it in full >.< We're all pretty irritated with them.
So yeah, way boring post. sorry guys!
much love to you
xx
Sasha
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